Flamingo's Stare

Member since 2005 · Posted 12 Jun 2005 · 4 comments

stealing glances in many directions I see you staring at me shift positions crafting a new parallax now I'm watching you watching me from that angle I can tell that you really don't see me only a glimmer out of the corner of my eye shows me you left the pool we were in politely observing each other in the murk.

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3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

4 comments

[9] deleted user 12-Jun-05/4:59 AM Reply

This has a solid, logical structure. Nothing's happening...and there's no need for. Plenty of low crackling electricity. Dare I call this a good poem? I do

[7] Dovina 13-Jun-05/4:18 PM Reply

I think you could say this better with the restraints of haiku.

[n/a] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk › Dovina 14-Jun-05/12:19 AM Reply

do you mean 'without' the restraints?

[7] Dovina › Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 14-Jun-05/9:38 AM Reply

Sorry, yes. The haiku structure works well for some things, but I get a feeling of being restraind by it in this poem.