DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

The choices we make

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Jun 2005 · 5 comments

A fire deep inside wonât let me lament. inoculate the soars with rhetorical cement. born for breeding and dying young like my father and like his son. my carnal vices hold no sect Iâm secular form that intellect it held me down in itâs archaic fist. and kept me blind below the mist of forgery with a smile. guilty without a trial. in my Shiva I mourned my youth with callow ignorance I stayed aloof. promiscuous with every shot I laid her down above my cot and lose myself below the belt and watch her inhibitions melt and for a moment we were one. I promised her the moon and sun. but in the morning I just stood still watching her cry by the doorway sill and as the door closed behind her back I suffered my first heart attack. that day I knew I had no soul and blamed it on no self-control. years would pass and the taste would sting with every memory the past would bring. till I was left alone to cower in the corner of my judgment hour

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5 comments

[3] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 30-Jun-05/1:32 AM Reply

you have a lot of words in your mind. I think you may not lack intellect. I am not a good poet, but I do something with all of my poems that i think you should do: Think about each line and what it's saying.

"inoculate the soars with rhetorical cement"
inoculate (make immune through the introduction of a micro-organism or virus in a cultured medium)

"make immune the sores with rhetorical cement"
so, the disease you are trying to prevent is rhetorical cement?

okay, rhetorical means what? Something said to produce an effect rather than a response. so rhetorical cement is what? cement that is cemented to produce an effect rather than a response?

I am not good enough to try rhyming anything. I don't have a strong enough vocabulary to reach for rhyme AND rhythm...and I've been reading and writing for a long time.

[n/a] darby pyn › Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 30-Jun-05/10:29 AM Reply

The way I meant âinoculate the soars with rhetorical cementâ
is this is a poem about a man at a young age who hated what he saw.
the government. his dad a poor man sent to war lost a limb
and gets spit at on return, say the church who beats him
and in his eyes full of hypocrisy. so say you want to memorize
a number, 856, 856 , 856. you repeat it over and over.
as a child he is saying âI will never be like thatâ
over and over. and in that case which I meant it
the phrase works.

thanks for your insight.

[n/a] zodiac › darby pyn 3-Jul-05/6:42 AM Reply

I think what they're trying to say is 'soars' means 'flies around', while 'sores' means wounds and is probably what you meant. It doesn't make sense to say "inoculate the flies around".

[4] Caducus 3-Jul-05/1:17 AM Reply

Heartfelt and sentmental but your problem lies in not what you want to say, just the way you dilute it with forced rhyme.

Force what you wanna say first. Allegiance to rhyme should not dictate the poem.

[n/a] darby pyn › Caducus 7-Jul-05/10:14 PM Reply

You're right about the rhyme dictating the poem.
definitely something to ponder on.