poemranker ::Lover by Dental Panic

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Free verse № 128355

Lover

by Dental Panic

Member since 2005 · Posted 8 Jul 2005 · Edited 9 Jul 2005 · 5 comments

with a bit of bad luck you're in the wrong tube today descending the stairs at the eastside of the river you'll miss your train but you never miss your train it’s the one at seven fifty and you’re lucky there’s a place at the window and nobody in the opposite seat staring at you then you get on a bus the 8 has a stop nearby the 3 departs more frequently which one you choose depends on your mood the weather the shoes you wear a whiff of coffee a cigarette the driver’s face take care

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5 comments

[7] Dovina 8-Jul-05/10:26 AM Reply
Why continue in verse 3 with the bus? It seems to cloud a good start. And the break between verses 1 and 2 seems wrong.
[n/a] Dental Panic › Dovina 9-Jul-05/4:28 PM Reply
I’ve made some changes. I think it’s a bit more clear now. I’m still not satisfied though.
The part about the bus is important to me. There’s got to be some element of choice in the whole thing.
[7] Dovina 9-Jul-05/4:36 PM Reply
It's better now, clearer. Still, the timing of your posting and the tube, river, therain and all implies the London bombings. Then why is it called Lover? And why is it bad luck that he was not on the train that was bombed? Maybe he avoided the train disaster only to get on the bus to be blown up. It's not clear.
[10] edpeterson 9-Jul-05/8:18 PM Reply
I think this is excellent
[8] INTRANSIT 12-Jul-05/6:34 AM Reply
I found that O'Hara poem you recomended. I think I have problems reading some poets because they use so many references and allusions that unless one has spent their entire life reading, there's no possible way to catch up! Very frustrating this is, MMHMM? This particular poem WAS more acessible to me. I still don't know who the lady is. Would it behoove me to chase down all of the allusions? I'm taking a hiatus from writing as I have no direction, no plan to take my poetry anywhere specific. I believe without that, my efforts are useless. This is also why I've taken to not leaving comments. Take care, E-mail me if you wish.