poemranker ::The Moment of Over by Bethy

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Other № 130143

The Moment of Over

Member since 2005 · Posted 26 Aug 2005 · 11 comments

One night I was out with the girls on a stag. My cell phone rang, a familiar tune played. Could you bring home some milk and a loaf of bread too, Stay out, have fun, See you tomorrow, I love you. Thinking of him I took a cab home, I sneaked through the door, But he wasn't alone. Their bodies were tangled, like the thoughts in my head. They were screwing each other on the new sheets on my bed. My ears started ringing, my heart pounded, my chest heaved. I stood there watching, my head screaming "LEAVE!" Then I paused for a second and turned on the light. I couldn't believe it, His best friends wife. The smile on her face was now slapped to the floor. I spit on her, pushed her and called her a whore. I cursed her and mocked her, I called her a skank. As I watched her drive off, my heart broke, I sank. My words became cries, Then I heard my name, Beth, I'm sorry, forgive me, I'm to blame. Hanging there lifeless, I turned to face him, "Go with her, just go!" "You can't stay, there's no reason." He walked to his car, heavy with guilt. "Hey, I said, you forgot your milk."

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mean 7.67 weighted 5.72 rank 1906 views 259 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

A favorite of Bobjim.

11 comments

[10] Bobjim 26-Aug-05/4:05 PM Reply
This is an amazing poem. Hope this isn't based on a true story.
-10- and fave
[n/a] Bethy › Bobjim 26-Aug-05/6:01 PM Reply
Thanks Bobjim...It is true...its why I am a single mom bringing up two little darlins on my own...:) Bethy
[8] Dovina 27-Aug-05/7:18 PM Reply
The rhythm is so good that the few lines out-of-rhythm really stand out.
[n/a] Bethy › Dovina 29-Aug-05/10:20 AM Reply
Thanks a whole bunch Dovina, I agree, those few lines do stand out don't they...Alchemy suggested a few changes..I really like them...and will edit and re-post...:) Bethy
[9] INTRANSIT 28-Aug-05/7:59 AM Reply
Um, aside from the hiccups in the beat ,it works.
[n/a] Bethy › INTRANSIT 29-Aug-05/10:23 AM Reply
incerting head in bag now... lol...hiccups will vanish before yer eyes...lol...and thanks...:) Bethy
[n/a] Bethy › Bethy 29-Aug-05/10:33 AM Reply
Darkangel...I went to reply to your comments and deleted it...ARG!!!...anyhow...thanks for your comments...my mouse is now a UFO...hehehe...:)Bethy
[7] LilMsLadyPoet 28-Aug-05/8:17 PM Reply
friends> friend's Other than that, love the ending!
[n/a] Bethy › LilMsLadyPoet 29-Aug-05/10:36 AM Reply
Thanks...glad you like it...it was fun to write...will be making a few changes, including yours...:) Bethy
[n/a] ALChemy 29-Aug-05/1:38 AM Reply
"on the new sheets on my bed."- try "under the sheets of my bed."

"my heart pounded, my chest heaved."- try "heart pounded, chest heaved."

"You can't stay, there's no reason."- "Don't stay, there's no reason."

"Hey, I said,
you forgot your milk."- try "Hey wait" I said,
"you forgot your milk."

That should fix up the rythm some.

No end rhyme in stanza 1?

Great little story. I hope you dumped the milk on his sorry ass, or at least threw it at him.
[n/a] Bethy › ALChemy 29-Aug-05/10:43 AM Reply
love your ideas...I will edit and re-post...I actually hit his car with the carton...lol...and thanks...I am glad you like it...:) Bethy