poemranker ::The Other by Caducus

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Free verse № 133064

The Other

Member since 2002 · Posted 8 Nov 2005 · Edited 8 Nov 2005 · 7 comments

I was your bed tortoise from every dreaded kiss. I only felt your warmth, when inside you born from Smirnoff. My flesh was like a ferry roll on roll off. You would say you loved me crowning me a King of pedestals and guilt. You were not her I was not me I was never there The other woman was. When it was all over your exit was impressive. The landing light vigil and mantelpiece memories facing away from sight, like the way I slept. Eight months have passed. Your hair is short now you even wear low skirts. I feel closer to you at arms length for I am not yours you were never mine the other woman was. Is.

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mean 7.00 weighted 5.24 rank 4125 views 282 View voting details →

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7 comments

[10] ALChemy 8-Nov-05/6:02 AM Reply
I think you should drop "on fridays" to help the rhythm of the poem flow better.
Feels like the melancholy you see in a lot of those indie films.
Bed tortoise: Great image.
You can really tell the wording was well thought out.
[n/a] Caducus › ALChemy 8-Nov-05/6:41 AM Reply
I think you're right about dropping fridays i just stood up with my barotone voice and it sounded better.

Actually I read it with my best nicholas cage voice
[9] Dovina 8-Nov-05/11:30 AM Reply
The last verse is especially nice. Low skirt, at arms length, closer now.

The tortise image is hard to imagine, but the rest of Verse 1 makes the scene clear.

Verse 3 seems contorted as if Line 4 should be Line 2.
[10] ALChemy › Dovina 8-Nov-05/12:16 PM Reply
What, you've never played Mr Turtle come out of your shell?
[9] Dovina › ALChemy 8-Nov-05/12:19 PM Reply
No, I've always remained sheltered, shelled perhaps.
[10] ALChemy › Dovina 8-Nov-05/1:50 PM Reply
Silly, only boys have a Mr Turtle.
[9] Dovina › ALChemy 8-Nov-05/2:34 PM Reply
My bad - turtle envy?