DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Chills

Member since 2002 · Posted 30 Nov 2005 · 9 comments

Shortened straws, rolled up bills, and frenetic conversation. "Oh my God, this gives me chills!" Holy insufflation! Twitchy eyes, crooked blinds, and apparently now the Lord. I'm lacking clarity of mind, I offer no accord. Sweaty pits, numbing lips, and possibly the Son. I don't see him now, but I'll need him when it's gone.

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9 comments

[9] zodiac 1-Dec-05/9:24 AM Reply

Nice.

"I offer no accord" is a useless line and probably just for rhyme's sake. Consider changing it to bored, board, gored, gourd, hoard, poured, roared, scored, sword, abhorred, aboard, adored, afford, award, explored, ignored, implored, reward, toward, unexplored, Honda Accord - preferably not one of the obvious ones.

Yes, I did almost let that slide because it's so wacky and stoned and reminds me of that scene in Boogie Nights where the Chinese boy's setting off fireworks and that guy in his briefs keeps waving that gun around. But you can do better.

[8] ALChemy › zodiac 1-Dec-05/10:58 AM Reply

"I offer another snort"

Merry Christmas BrandonW.

[n/a] BrandonW › zodiac 1-Dec-05/2:50 PM Reply

I should have known.. it was the one line I wasn't sure about and the one line I settled on.. I'm sure I could come up with a better line.. I was just anxious to post it.. next time I'll know better

[8] ALChemy 1-Dec-05/11:23 AM Reply

And you bought it around the corner from a pusher named Jesus. The religion/drug addiction metaphor is a bit cliche but you got some really nice lines in there.
Mind if I snort a couple? -8-

[8] ALChemy › ALChemy 1-Dec-05/11:25 AM Reply

-as in 8-ball.

[n/a] BrandonW › ALChemy 1-Dec-05/2:54 PM Reply

Yeah.. I don't usually like to write about drugs.. religon is hard get away from.. guess it's a Southern thing.. heh, I've actually been waiting for a reason to use 'insufflation' in a poem. I thought it worked well.. thanks

[10] rahson_s 1-Dec-05/2:10 PM Reply

God forbid.

rahson-

[8] cyan9 8-Dec-05/7:11 AM Reply

Nice flow, borders on humour, good metaphors.

[8] PoeticXTC 14-Jan-06/4:52 PM Reply

Your right, anxiety is the enemy.