poemranker ::Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery

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Free verse № 134460

Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything

by avery

Member since 2004 · Posted 2 Dec 2005 · 5 comments

Mellow, shallow, dew drops yellow, reaching, catching, raindrops spashing. azure crystals; dangling from the leaves, the afterweather; cool wind forms a breeze. golden rays doth reign, not a grey patch to be seen. the sky forms a blue band, mimosa seedlings float gently, spreading across the land. auburn maple leaves rustle under scampering feet, smokey white squirrels burying acron seeds. blue birds migrate, away from the soon-to-be snow cape. fiery fireplaces burn with a warm lush. grey soot from the chimney; trails the clear, winter mornings. the vast whiteness; silently awaits

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mean 4.40 weighted 4.93 rank 9368 views 197 View voting details →

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5 comments

[4] Dovina 2-Dec-05/11:54 AM Reply
A few suggestions: Use different styles if you want, but not within the same poem. Try for consistency of rhythm, like the rhythm you start with, for example. And try not to mix styles of language, like using "doth" (doeth)in a modedrn English poem. And try not use semicolons so much. And don't give up.
[8] zodiac 3-Dec-05/6:33 AM Reply
I would suggest not ever, ever using archaic grammar.

Especially "doth".

Even Shakespeare wouldn't have written that - not when he could just as easily say the same thing with "golden rays reign".
[5] ALChemy 3-Dec-05/8:36 AM Reply
"fiery fireplaces burn with a warm lush" is the worst thing I've ever read. Ever.

It seems like you tried to cram every poem you ever wrote into 4 stanzas.

I see potential in you though.

-5- This should give you room to either improve or decline.
[8] zodiac › ALChemy 4-Dec-05/2:36 AM Reply
You're obviously not a lush. I thought it was touching.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lush
[5] ALChemy › zodiac 4-Dec-05/6:37 AM Reply
I once was, sort of. Whenever I fell in the campfire I didn't burn very well. Probably 'cause I was usually covered with my spilt bear/vomit/piss soaked clothes.