Free verse № 134527
Through the channel
Going from home to class and back
I travel in a boat that's packed
Amidst the changing tide
And land stretched out on either side.
The land on my right I see
That's filled with butterflies and trees,
Pure green grass - their scents' a wonder
With sunshine brightening the land that's under.
The land on my left I see
With houses practically touching the sea
Over-population, fights and threats
Where life's real difficult - full of debts.
The land on my right is calling me
To come away from reality
To feel the peace and serenity
Of love's true identity.
But the land on my left pulls me back
To visualise the intense black
Of what I think and do and say
Calling me back to do repair.
We do travel this channel daily
We do see the land and trees,
We do hear the cries of birds
Despite life's difficulties.
Yet, do we pause to meditate
Upon the mystery -
Of the land that's viewed both left and right
Made for you and me.
8 comments
(1) enjamb more, like you did well in the first three lines of the fourth stanza,
(2) not use "amidst" for something singular like "tide",
(3) scent's, not scents',
(4) tighten up your message and phrasing just a little.
Welcome to poemranker!
You should lose either "Going" or "I travel" as it is restating the obvious and is obviously a space filler.
"Home" is also unneccessary. Change "packed" to over-packed. It will intensify the crowded feeling.
Say "In the middle of a changing tide" This will emphasize the double meaning as being mid-event tide and mid-location tide. Say outstretched instead of "stretched out" to avoid your adjective being confused as a verb.
So now we have:
Traveling to class and back
on a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing tide.
Land outstretched on either side.
Now you have room to add:
Traveling the hours to class and back
on the bow of a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing summertide.
Land outstretched on either side.
You also get some enjambment this way.
You have great rhythm and flow but you need to maximize as much effect into each line as you can to hold an ever-distracted modern audience's attention. So write like 3 or 4 versions of the same poem before you settle.
Now if only I can get myself to listen to my own advice more often. -8-
Well, maybe I can if I really sit at it. Its just that i don't sit and write poetry seriously. It comes alongside a host of other things that i take interest in. Thanks for the review..... Am still working on the advice.
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