I think that you could maybe turn this into a free verse and give a little more info..don't give so much that it paints a FULL picture, but I just don't think the Haiku form gives you enough to get much of anything across here.
Unusual for a haiku to put such a quaintly demented picture across, pleasurable to experience. I have to agree with zodiacs comment though, haiku's irritate me, they seem like poems that could be so much more.
I think "quaintly demented" is a nice way to put it.. I hate that no one likes haikus! I don't know if it's just lack of talent or laziness.. but I write tons of the damn things!
My problem with them is that I like to experience a poem for a while without embarking on an epic length tale of woe and mellodrama, haikus deny me that, in that they are so short they summarise the poem and leave out the detail and the beauty. I am generalising a lot here to get my opinion across, but this is the way I see it.
10 comments
Haikus are overrated.
You should expand this.
"Oh my god! Are you here to rape me? HELP, HELP, RAPE!"
"No grandma it's me your grandson Brandon."
"Oh god. HELP! Henry, the rapist is trying to rape our grandson!"
at our old pictures wondering
who was living then
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