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Member since 2004 · Posted 8 Dec 2005 · 4 comments

were have you gone? were could you be? the light is gone, i can not see. you are no- longer by my side, without you here my soul has died. i miss your smile, your gentle touch, i can't believe i miss you this much. i miss you more than words can say, i long for you more and more each day. why don't you come and kiss me goodnight? or better yet hold me until morning light. stay with me till there is no more moon, then come back to me so very soon. alone and sad when your not here remembering how it felt to have you near. come back to me someway somehow find your way back to me. Please come now!! i love you more than words can say, i'll swear it now, and until my ending day!! ---cmr--- 6/10/2002

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mean 4.60 weighted 4.95 rank 8959 views 174 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

4 comments

[7] cyan9 9-Dec-05/3:18 AM Reply

morose with improved potency from the use of melodramatic cliche's. The rhyme was nice and it made a pleasurable read. You presented a common theme here, and you presented it well, but you did nothing to it, there was nothing new here, no inticacies (unless I am missing something) and so I can only rate it a -7-.

[5] Dovina 9-Dec-05/11:29 AM Reply

I think it's best to post your recent work rather than something from 2002. Hopefully, since then you've got your grammar straighter and learned to reduce the number of cliches.

[6] zodiac 12-Dec-05/12:56 PM Reply

Hi, candaliesa. Welcome to poemranker.

It's clear that you've got the basics of writing poetry down. But I hope you're getting some ideas from these comments about the direction you should go with your writing. That is, away from overused rhymes and toward more specific and original images. A good rule of thumb is: If you've ever heard the rhyme or image you're thinking of using in any poem, song, or book, ever, DON'T USE IT. Don't be afraid to try for unusual connections between ideas or sounds. And don't be afraid to put the include the real details of your life in your poems. That's what hardworking poets have been doing for over a thousand years, and that's why we have so much good poetry.

Do your boyfriend's grooming habits remind you of a duck preening in a pond? Use that!

What is it that reminds you? The way he sniffs his underarms, like a duck rooting under a wing with his bill? Great!

What rhymes with "preening"? Meaning, intervening? Okay! How about "darjeeling"? It's close enough.

Did you ever walk around the city park pond with your boyfriend? Sure!

That's how easy (or how difficult) it is. Watch for images, things, people, you can relate to your life or ideas. Then use them. Try to make the rhymes work for the content. Try to make them distinguish your poem. Don't get discouraged.

Here's a good idea of rhymes that are overused, and how overused they are: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97250

Good luck. Seriously, don't give up.

zodiac

[5] wilco 13-Dec-05/1:12 PM Reply

Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. This is a good starting point, now work on it and get better.