a cordial greeting

Member since 2003 · Posted 28 Dec 2005 · 2 comments

every face I see reflects a deeper sense of regret than me. more than that minor detail that skitters across each set of lips as they say hello. your poison shoots out of their pores like a blowgun and darts toward the dots in my eyes. missing the lid by an inch, and my lips always pinch and purse back that programmed reply.

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3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

2 comments

[8] INTRANSIT 28-Dec-05/8:01 AM Reply

the poison/blowgun/darts part needs redone. I think finding another image would be better. The last line jingles, perhaps another path to try.

[8] zodiac 30-Dec-05/7:10 AM Reply

You seem to need about 6 more lines between "hello" and "your poison". And a different last line. Other than that, I like it. Especially the rhyme and half-rhyme.