poemranker ::Oh Verrazano by Joe-joe

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Free verse № 136679

Oh Verrazano

Member since 2003 · Posted 10 Jan 2006 · Edited 10 Jan 2006 · 3 comments

She stands tall, broad and is prone to sway Bargaining eagerly with wind, rain and bitter days Her dress is fastened by once hot iron and steel A pearl necklace runs supplely along her winding frame Her skirt is held in place with pins Tacked securely to the edge of her border By callused hands that fashioned her for nearly no wage Some of whom fell in service to her And others who lived to be served by her Among the throngs of strangers who never peered from her towers At the majestic city she would someday adorn.

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mean 3.50 weighted 4.93 rank 9149 views 211 View voting details →

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3 comments

[7] <~> 10-Jan-06/8:35 AM Reply
there are some nice moments here. i especially enjy\oy the metaphor of the steel and iron as her dress.

i think that the rhyme you use distractst he reader. since it came first, i looked for the whole thing to have rhythm and rhyme, and was a little disappointed when it didn't hold throughout.
[7] Dovina 10-Jan-06/10:37 AM Reply
Maybe it should be "low wage" rather than "no wage."
And maybe "fell from her" not "for her."
[8] ALChemy 10-Jan-06/11:16 AM Reply
Find stuff that is more unique to this bridge so that it can't be applied to any other bridge. Kudos for choosing to write about a bridge in Brooklyn that's not the Brooklyn Bridge.