poemranker ::Unfortunate Lover by elderking

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Free verse № 137490

Unfortunate Lover

Member since 2005 · Posted 24 Jan 2006 · 10 comments

Unfortunate lover, your arrival came late. My winter approaches and there's no time to wait. Had you been fortunate, sweet love of mine, you would have loved me in an earlier time. It doesn't seem fair, my youth never seen. You should have been there, to love me long, tan and lean. Still you're unmindful, as kisses land sweet, upon deepened laugh lines and tracks of crow's feet. Winter can't be all bad within your embrace; your loving softens time's signs on my face.

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10 comments

[n/a] Alizarin_Crimson 24-Jan-06/10:57 PM Reply
Nice...I think you need to get rid of some pronouns, clean it up a little. I really like the concept, and the rhyme.
[n/a] elderking › Alizarin_Crimson 26-Jan-06/10:18 PM Reply
Thanks for the suggestions. Sometimes I hurry a poem along instead of just letting finish cooking in it's own good time.
Thanks again
[n/a] elderking › elderking 26-Jan-06/10:19 PM Reply
Oops...I meant sometimes I hurry a poem along instead of just letting IT finish "cooking" in it's own good time. Sorry bout that.
[8] ALChemy 25-Jan-06/10:28 AM Reply
"Don't stand. Don't stand so close to me."
[n/a] elderking › ALChemy 26-Jan-06/10:26 PM Reply
I'm feeling dense...I'm sorry I don't get what you mean.
[n/a] zodiac › elderking 26-Jan-06/11:58 PM Reply
Don't Stand So Close To Me (The Police)

Young teacher, the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly
Knows what she wants to be
Inside her there's longing
This girl's an open page
Book marking she's so close now
This girl is half his age

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Her friends are so jealous
You know how bad girls get
Sometimes it's not so easy
To be the teacher's pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, she's waiting
His car is warm and dry

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Loose talk in the classroom
To hurt they try and try
Strong words in the staffroom
The accusations fly
It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by Nabokov

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me...
[10] Dovina 25-Jan-06/10:41 AM Reply
Yes, I feel it. I feel your part, or the part of your old man in the poem. "your arrival came too late" could be just "you came too late" I think. I love when I feel a poet knows what he's portraying, and I love this.
[n/a] elderking › Dovina 26-Jan-06/10:24 PM Reply
Thank you, Dovina...I wrote this piece just before I ventured back out into the "dating" world again after a good decade's abscence. And who I percieved myself to be at 40 compared to myself at 50 seemed to be 2 entirely different animals.
[7] god'swife 25-Jan-06/7:01 PM Reply
This is very sweet. And I'd venture to guess a common experience these days. All the woman I know who are married are married to younger men. You portray your feelings so sweetly that I was left feeling- "I know why he loves her". Would your younger self have been able to appreciate this relationship as you do now ? It's wonderful when a poem has a hidden dimension tucked into it. I'm sure it's un-intentional but it's there.

the last line in the 2nd stanza- You might consider continuing the metaphor of seasons representing ages, and instead of the adj. 'earlier' try 'spring'
or 'summer'etc...

The first line of the last stanza- This is a tiny thing but I think saying "won't" instead of "can't" sounds more certain, and that shows the woman in the poem accepting herself and the fact that this man loves her as is. Also in this stanza you mix tenses slightly. The 3rd line would reflect better on the 1st with 'your love will soften'

[n/a] elderking › god'swife 26-Jan-06/10:47 PM Reply
I thank you for your suggestions and comments.
As for my younger self...no, she didn't have a clue :>)!