poemranker ::Tonight (edit) by drnick

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Free verse № 137740

Tonight (edit)

by drnick

Member since 2005 · Posted 28 Jan 2006 · Edited 6 Feb 2006 · 11 comments

Your eyes swallow pain Like the desert swallows rain I'm falling down down and back on my feet again A shade of gray I comprehend One that makes your mind expend I've stalled on the tracks and started a new trend In the dreary cold of winter's night You're my solemn bedside candlelight I want to push you away with intent to invite Alas, you've stolen my rhythmic breath To such an extent there’s no more left I'll be the willing victim to such a beautiful death

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mean 5.33 weighted 5.04 rank 7162 views 232 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

A favorite of Adriaan.

11 comments

[7] ecargo 28-Jan-06/2:51 PM Reply
I think it needs more unity--your images just sort of come out of nowhere (e.g., tracks, the desert, etc.). Don't let the rhymes drive the poem. Also, sometimes a near rhyme will serve you better than a straight, simple rhyme (e.g., "gray I comprehend/One that makes your mind expend"--expend here needs something that it modifies, an object, for one thing, so why not use expands or something instead. Contrary to popular belief, there are no rhyme police.)

The ending lines give you something to play with; get us there.

[n/a] drnick 28-Jan-06/7:12 PM Reply
I was really high when I wrote this, which can be good and bad. I will keep in mind what you've said when I rework this. Thank you very much for the advice!
[8] LilMsLadyPoet 2-Feb-06/7:36 PM Reply
I'm not sure what "I want to push you away
with intent to invite" means...? that by pushing away, you know it will invite?
other than that...this is cool...I like that you leave things half said...and it is not hard to deduct the rest of what is not being said. Very good.
[n/a] drnick › LilMsLadyPoet 6-Feb-06/11:22 PM Reply
That's exactly what I meant, ie playing hard to get. I try to stay away from directly saying things so the poem's meaning can be different for anyone. I usually fail at that. thanks for the input
[9] Adriaan 6-Feb-06/7:18 AM Reply
I love the ebb and flow of this poem!

'To such an extend there’s no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.
[n/a] richa 6-Feb-06/7:52 AM Reply
If the desert swallows rain, where is its throat and more importantly itsstomach and bum.
[n/a] richa 6-Feb-06/7:53 AM Reply
Are you the doctor nick that deals with boys problems by prescribing them your book 'how to live with a willy'.
[n/a] richa › richa 6-Feb-06/7:55 AM Reply
http://tinyurl.com/7p4dm
[n/a] drnick › richa 6-Feb-06/11:24 PM Reply
I wish.
[9] Ranger 7-Feb-06/3:05 AM Reply
Very good, not original but done much better than most. The only suggestion I have is to change 'started' (line 8) to 'begun'...it's easier to read, other than that - excellent!
[7] wilco 9-Feb-06/4:30 PM Reply
again, some cliches...and I think one thing that might hlp you is to get an idea of what you want to write..then work on how you want to say it..as opposed to letting the rhymes drive the poem as was said above.