poemranker ::Endless Battle by rahson_s

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Free verse № 140875

Endless Battle

Member since 2005 · Posted 15 Mar 2006 · 6 comments

Unscripted, stripped, faster, disaster awaits, hung over and strung out, dependent on more than you will ever know, below sea level she penetrates my lies and picks out truth, the honest truth is I lie too much, the damage has been done, I'm losing this battle with my pen, she knows me very well, my ups and downs, do's and don'ts, another chapter in my head wishing to debut to a page, she envies my mind, they do not get along at times, through chatter and character building I'm living proof that art is a passion, the words often expresses itself, I just control the hand that writes the words, all while playing mediator between my mind and my pen

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mean 6.00 weighted 5.12 rank 5807 views 134 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

6 comments

[7] Ranger 15-Mar-06/7:44 AM Reply
'debut to a page' is quite good, so are the last two lines (although it would probably work better if the last line was just 'mind and pen').

So...what's with this general trend of people posting and not commenting on anyone else's works?
[8] ecargo › Ranger 15-Mar-06/8:35 AM Reply
Yeah, really. Sometimes I wish it were more like Garageband.com--you have to give something to get something.
[8] ecargo 15-Mar-06/8:30 AM Reply
Don't want to be the punctuation police, but punctuation would help this, I think--make it more clear and accessible. It's got energy and a good narrative flow to it. Could tighten a few places (" . . . she penetrates my lies/and picks out truth: I lie too much, the damage has been done; I'm losing this battle with my pen." Maybe break there, too, and start a new line or stanza with "she knows me very well." Watch your cliches ("I'm living proof") and pay some attention to breaks, etc., and this could be even better.
[9] http://mulberryfairy 15-Mar-06/2:39 PM Reply
I like the kind of manic feel of this, it makes it more convincing.
[n/a] Dental Panic 16-Mar-06/8:06 AM Reply
Writing about writing - it must be fucking good to be at least a bit interesting.
[7] Ranger › Dental Panic 16-Mar-06/8:09 AM Reply
Well we've got meta-kus, why not meta-free verses?
I wrote a meta-villanelle the other day. Aren't I clever?