Free verse № 141492
Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited)
Oh morning girl, let your tears fall.
Though mother sky and father light
are engaged in such a turbulent fight
I will hold you safe by day or night,
through thunder and through squall,
through whatever fates befall.
Come, ride on my shoulders Sunshine.
Let us play in the midst of the rain.
Let us ride out the storm and in time
Let love and smiles heal pain.
51 comments
The moon is not the child, the sun is. The moon is me. The sun is my niece. Her parents are on the verge of divorce. Her and her brother just found out today and I spent the day consoling them while their parents yelled at each other in the other room.
The Sun and moon metaphor is a continuation of the one in this poem: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Then it should be 'let your'. Also it should be 'fate befalls'
You bore me. I must go to work now.
Lemme guess, you work at some tourist trap where you dress up as Lord Byron and "write poetry" for anyone with 5 bucks, $7.50 if they want a polaroid with you.
Lemme guess, you're a screen writer for John Hughes films.
Which poems look like hellacious dumps?
I wouldn't write a screenplay if my life dependent on it. Now a stage play well that's an entirely different matter. Ah! The Thee-a-tur!
In fact I'm working on a play in three acts about a sniveling redneck who fancies himself a 19th century literary genius.
In the First Act our antihero receives some local success on the community access channel, but only because the students at the local university have made it a tradition to gather at a dive bar and watch the hilarity that is "Poetic Alchemy" tun-tuhta-duh with your talented and irrepressible host Billy -The Alchemist- McDugal!!!
In the Second Act poor Billy's 1986 Buick Skylark breaks down just as his latest triumph is about to air. He hurries into the nearest bar afraid he'll miss Camille Saint-Saëns' Dance Macabre, which he choose after much diliberation, as the overture for his program. At first Billy is thrilled to find the telly already tuned in. No one at the bar recognizes Billy without his black satin cape with the red velvet lining and his floppy hat, so they berate the program, as is customary, and take turns immitating the oaf while reading really bad poetry. The student who wrote the worst poem or most like the poems bellowed out by Billy,(which is actually redundant come to think of it)wins a free pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Billy is crushed.
Act Three:
Billy returns to his apartment building, which looks pitifully like a public storage warehouse. It actually was a public storage warehouse, but it was confiscated and converted into low rent apartments after a police raid which uncovered the largest meth lab in the entire state. Billy finds a message on his answering machine from a crank caller threating to murder him if he butchers the English language any further. Unfortunately, or fortunately,( I'll leave that up to the audience)he doesn't take the threat seriously and erases the message. The following week, on his way home from an appearance at the Happy Meadows retirement home, he is kidnapped. They find him hung by his cape over the side of a bridge. There is a suicide poem pinned to the front of his puffy shirt written in Billy's antiquated style. "Oh poor daft looney, he must have finally realized how talentless he was and jumped, how ironically poetic", the chorus exclaims. The actors shake their heads but no one sheds a single tear. Not even the police care enough to investigate further.
The End.
Many of your poems resemble this pretentious, pompous drivel that you've written here. Those are the ones that are hellacious dumps.
As for me being a redneck? I've only lived in North Carolina for a year so I haven't deserved the honor of such a distinction yet.
It's nice to see you were obsessed enough to check my user info though.
Does it bother you that I criticize your poems without giving any specific and useful remarks? I guess you know how the people you've criticized feel now don't you?
#2 Which of my poems resemble this pretentious, pompous drivel?
#3 I was checking your page to look at your other poems, not because I was interested in your user info.
#4 There is nothing you could do to bother me. I am not asking for specific or useful remarks. I am asking WHICH of my poems you are discribing. You moron.
#5 In my critique of your style I gave you specific and useful reasons why your poems are corny at best, and I have probably even left some positive comments when there was something positive to say about your poems, as I have always done to any poem I've commented on. So, no I don't know how other people feel when I criticize them without giving any specific and useful remarks because I have never done that. On the other hand, I do know how to consider any specific or useful criticisms of my style or technique as valid observations. You incredible, incredible moron.
p.s. You don't have to be from the South to be a redneck.
#2 You still don't get it, do you?
#3 All that effort to read my poems and you only comment on two of them which both came before this argument started. Sure, it had nothing to do with finding more things to insult me with.
#4 If I don't bother you then why bother with all this bullshit you're slinging? What I'm saying is that you are pretentious, ergo most of your poetry is. I may be wrong about the poems but seeing several unnecessarily long poems certainly puts up a red flag.
#5 If you'll look you'll see I had no major beef with your critique on this poem but then you'll drop a bird turd like "That poem's a piece of crap" with no reason. You gave Dovina a specific explanation on the "To Michelle" poem, not me. Your specific reason is misguided at best. I've given you several comparisons to help you understand that. Now see, I went through your whole list without ever stooping to the pathetic level of calling you a moron. By the way, I bet my IQ is higher than yours and I've got paperwork to prove it.
p.s. From the obvious displays of provincial often bigoted attitude towards other style/forms of poetry I'd say you're pushing closer to the definition of redneck than I am.
p.p.s. Feel free to point out any misspelling or bad grammar I've used in this comment. I'm sure I probably did some and I'm sure you'll notice.
#2 Probably not.
#3 Because it's fun. Please, just tell me which poems.
#4 When I said that poem's a piece of crap i was refering to my poe"She Thinks She's Fat" and I already know why I think it's a piece of crap.
My IQ ten years ago was 180. I'm sure it's come way down since then. Why do you keep paperwork that proves your IQ? I wasn't using the word moron to say you're stupid, just thick-headed.
I gave a specific explanation on a public website. The comments are there for everyone to read. My manner is sometimes provincial but my character is not. I can't be a redneck because I am 'a person of color' as it were.
I never ever point out mis-spellings in comments, because i usually don't see them. If I can understand what your saying I don't care. I only point it out in poems because it makes a difference in how seriously the poem can be taken. in the comments it doesn't matter if you write your or you're in less it confuses things and it typically doesn't.
#2 I'm just showing that being insulting doesn't really help anyone.#4 I actually thought you were talking about the "Sunlighting" poem I linked in my comment. So most of this argument is based on us missinterpreting each other. Talk about a humorous bit of writing? This argument has been one big situation comedy. Priceless:)
I'm dyslexic so they had me take IQ tests at different point in my years of schooling.
I hope the redneck comment was sarcasm becuase otherwise it's a straight up racial slur.
I promise I won't point out your spelling and grammar mistakes too, unless it confuses things.
Do you think that might sound even better?
"Twee"? Ranger's englishness must be rubbing off on you.
I write twee poems about my niece all the time, e.g.:
My pink girl, cat-lick clean and shining,
you smell of icing and tears,
the warm press of you heavy,
heart-hand, heart-bloom.
Oh, crap, now in the interests of "twee" neice poems, I'm going to go post my "skiing with niece" poem that I can't seem to fix to my satisfaction. Also, I've got nothing else done and I'm helpless in the face of "User Can Post New Poetry."
Please be sure to comment that it's twee (or an even more awful word, like "precious."
I shall return and comment later on this and others; have been away for a few days and only just got home (completely knackered). Cool poem though, with any luck I'll say something more useful this evening.
http://www.actressass.com/pictures-1/kyl
Partying? Lord no, a few days in Cornwall...pretty much the antithesis of partying.
I do hope it's William and not Robert that you're talking about.
n. Offensive Slang
1. Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class.
2. A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.
redneck
n. Offensive Slang
1.Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States.
2.A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.
Then beneath that:
redneck
n : a poor white person in the southern United States [syn: cracker]
Rewriting the dictionary for how you think it should be, how typically you.
About the title, I'm not sure which way it should go. Present one sounds okay.
Or perhaps.... 'Moon's Affection'
I love it, and I always have liked anything about the heavenly bodies.
Nice work ^^
(had to put in a stuff line so my post won't be out of place...)
as you know, ALChemy, i love the Sunshine poem. I do agree that this one needs a bit of tweaking, but what doesn't?
i agree that the line about wine is a bit out of place. and that the moon reference is not barely there and i would not have known it but for your explanation. however, the sunshine does ride on the shoulders of the moon, else we would scarecely see the moon from our earthbound station.
keep working on this one, please. as for the comments, take what you want and leave the rest, i say. if someone bashes your work, whatever. if they have something useful, great, otherwise ignore it.
Without further input, I would take it as whimsey or pure fascination with nature.
I'm thinking now about changing the ending to "Let only love and smiles remain." or something like that.
Have a happy Easter this Sunday D. :)
but that's me and you are you, so i'm just spouting off at the keyboard, i guess. just an observation...
1st line: maybe a comma after "Oh", as in "Oh, morning girl..." you may want to set off this line from the rest of the following 5 lines as it is a complete sentence of its own at the very opening. or not.
3rd line: i would choose "tumultous" instead or turbulent. i realize that you are perhaps making weather references and turbulence fits, but tumultuous i think has a better ring to it. and maybe they are not a single fight, but many: "...engagged in such tumultuous fights"
4th line: lose "by". a little smoother rhythm. and maybe "day AND night".
6th line. "fates" [plural] - to me - needs to be "the Fates". or, you could say "fate befalls." i think "squall" (singular) will still rhyme enough with "befalls".
7th line: comma before "Sunshine".
10th line: needs another syllable? "the pain" or "your pain" would do it.
this is another very lovely and touching poem; i like its bittersweet quality. very nicely done. i also realize that my comments are not everyone's taste, so "take what ya want and leave the rest", as it is said in some circles.
The first line is me addressing her, much like I did with you in the first sentence above. It's one continuous thought like if someone got your attention by saying "Hey Imp".
I actually thought about using "tumultous" but it has one too many syllables. It actually stretches the line too far although my intent was to keep the meter of the rhyme a little off to accentuate the tumultuousness of the poem.
I actually prefer the rhythm with "by" left in and it sounds more like a declaration that way.
I'm not sure about a comma before Sunshine. My grammar check program doesn't seem to have a problem with no comma before Sunshine and it seems to have a problem with the comma.
I usually like to end my poems off meter. It tends to give that extra sense of closure to it.
You're absolutely right about "the Fates".
This is just my reasoning for why I wrote it the way I did. You might be right on all counts. I'll certainly consider what you've said for a while.
Good poem.
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