poemranker ::Shy, quiet by Ranger

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Free verse № 141797

Shy, quiet

by Ranger

Member since 2002 · Posted 3 Apr 2006 · 14 comments

A cagier lightning strikes with care. Cat-like cautious side-step splits purple rolling pillow sky, clouds Swift glancing light Pause- Over ground voice, left back crackles like static, moving, catches up - hovering Turns- Moves again to find the earth has spun away

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mean 7.27 weighted 6.14 rank 1086 views 348 View voting details →

11 votes so far. Yours would make 12.11 votes so far

A favorite of 7!3.

14 comments

[9] ecargo 3-Apr-06/8:21 AM Reply
Vivid description of a storm. Cat-like threw me off, but I think you set it up with "cagier." Purple rolling pillow sky--I could see those roiling cumulonimbus clouds--nice.

The second stanza--a telephone conversation (over ground voice, crackling like (with?) static . . .)? I'm not sure what's moving, catching up, etc. I like the last line a lot, R. I find it hard to connect the title with the poem though, based on what's given.
[n/a] Ranger › ecargo 3-Apr-06/10:43 AM Reply
Think of the 'being in a club, too shy to go and talk to a girl, finally giving your courage the appropriate metaphorical kick, being at a loss for what to say, then looking up to find she's gone off with someone else' scenario.
The purple rolling sky sits nicely with the smoky, dimly lit air in these places, I think.
As for the voice, think thunder following the lightning - like the lightning's at a loss for words. Also, 'over ground voice' was meant as a sort of play on 'over-ground voice'. I always think my voice sounds harsh and grating when I'm straining to speak above the noise in clubs. It doesn't help that I hate the places...

Make more sense? I've been trying to figure out ways of increasing the clarity in this one without giving too direct a reference to what I'm talking about.
[9] ecargo › Ranger 3-Apr-06/11:54 AM Reply
Ah, I get it. Still, if you have to explain it, that's a clue, often, that there's not enough given in the poem itself. One easy way to get that sort of double meaning across without making it too literal or obvious is to do what you did and use the title as a key--but I don't think it went far enough w/it.
[9] ecargo › ecargo 3-Apr-06/11:58 AM Reply
Ack--what am I smoking today? I mean: "I don't think it went far enough" or "I don't think you went far enough w/it." Either one.
[n/a] ALChemy › Ranger 3-Apr-06/1:06 PM Reply
I think you entangled your metaphors too much. Maybe if you use the first stanza to set the scene and then the second stanza to explain the event.
[7] Dovina 3-Apr-06/10:56 AM Reply
On first reading, I thought of a storm having some portent in lightning - cagy like a cat. Then I read your explanation, and the poem again. Frankly, I don't see the club scene even now. I think you've leaned too far on the side of poetry at the expense of leaving your readers without the sensation you want them to have.
[n/a] Ranger › Dovina 3-Apr-06/11:09 AM Reply
It does have the meaning you gave it, the 'club' reading really only applies if you've been in that position. It was on my mind when I wrote it, so I guess that's why I saw the images that I did. I'd like to think that what I write is generally speaking fairly ambiguous, at least enough to allow for other readings.

At the same time, this is more a 'personal piece' (whatever that might mean. At the risk of sounding tremendously pretentious, 'A cagier lightning' is an anagram of my name. Hence why it's easier for me to apply the title to the poem.
[n/a] cyan9 4-Apr-06/7:45 AM Reply
Didn't really get this, it was cool, and an enjoyeable ride, I think Im glad that I havn't got it in the end + it grows on me. After reading your ecplanation I geuss to clarify it without giving away what you are talking about you might consider using a few more cat like terms e.g. feline, and also references to looking at the women.
[9] MacFrantic 4-Apr-06/11:50 PM Reply
Wow, this is great, except for the way the first line is broken up. Would've done it differently. So, *9*
[7] drnick 5-Apr-06/10:01 AM Reply
Well, I didn't catch the club-theme going on here, but I still think this is a good poem. I like the third line. The last line is very good, I can relate to that. All that said, you've done much better than this.
[7] Caducus 6-Apr-06/8:25 AM Reply
Dressed well mr R. Like the unravelling words complementing the unravelling tempest, i think you struggled in last 2 lines, i dont even think it needs it, maybe end it with calm or whats left after.
[7] Jack Diamond 7-Apr-06/8:51 PM Reply
In many great poems I have read I have noticed one word, or words that are elaborated on within the poem I am reading. The word is either in the middle, at the end, or in your case, to me, at the begining. All the elements of a cagier lightning that strikes with care are all described in different forms throughout this poem and I like this. First you have something unusual that happens, a cagier lightning which strikes with care, then the images to accompany the subject which are very swift, sly, elusive, tricky, etc... Very good stuff. This poem is well crafted. It kind of gives me the feeling I am reading a script in a way. The words "Pause-" "Turns-" seem like stage directions.
[8] Roisin 12-May-06/5:17 AM Reply
Here it is...the long awaited comment. Sorry I've been a bit lazy recently! I read this through a couple of time and really enjoyed it. At first I wasn't sure what you were getting at and then I thought about the title and the idea of 'cagie''lightening' and allowed the pace to sweep me along and a picture emerged. Clever and makes you feel slightly dizzy to read which captures the feeling of an encompassing shyness and paranoia.
[8] LilMsLadyPoet 24-May-06/4:41 PM Reply
Without the title I would think this was a stage or script act of a storm...I love>
"purple rolling pillow
sky, clouds
Swift
glancing light
Pause-"
The (clever) format forces one to read it in a very cool way...and imagery is fantastic.
I like the last two lines, in a literal sense: as in, the Earth spinning away and out of reach of the lightning. I see that you are being so clever/intellectual with the writing you posted while I was out and away. This one is probably not really clear at first reading...or even at all, without the title. Perhaps the lightening should be more direct and less stealthy:)