All I Can Hear Is A Rattle

Member since 2006 · Posted 5 Oct 2006 · Edited 5 Oct 2006 · 2 comments

Hum goes the computer and whistle goes the kettle Damn this bloody Viagra itâs turned my dick to metal Entering the foyer at work my office is ten floors up Talk about embarrassing the lift doors wouldnât shut Whiz goes the bullet and sadly there goes my dog Under my truck, what rotten luck, the way that I laughed was quite odd I take a peek among my sheep and spot my favorite ewe Itâs handy to have something like this when youâre looking for something to screw Moo goes the new born calf and other assorted cattle Oftentimes I wiggle my head and all I can hear is a rattle

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2 comments

[8] nypoet22 6-Oct-06/1:43 PM Reply

first couplet ROCKS! the middle three don't go off nearly as smoothly though. ending picks up again, aided by internal rhyme as well as endrhyme. plus, social commentary clothed in vicarious self-effacement makes for an excellent closing idea.

the dog under the truck and elevator that won't shut, although i understand the jokes, are just not very strong lines. edit, or maybe just eliminate those and pare the poem down to 3 stanzas to preserve the continuity? with this sort of poem, hit 'em quick and finish quick is often a good policy.

[n/a] Ranger 7-Oct-06/3:19 AM Reply

Needs work on the flow, but amusing.