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Gilded Lily

Member since 2005 · Posted 12 Oct 2006 · 7 comments

Forgive my eyes for they not see your gilded image in mine memory. Forgive this tongue for it does speak those wicked words of honesty. Forgive a mind for it must be the knife I shove right through to thee. Forgive your heart it tends to bleed with socia-motional inadequacies. Forgive these feet as they must leave and the rest to follow appropriately. Forgive the path for it not heed upon reception of indolent apologies. Forgive yourself for you not need an ounce of common respectability. "Forgive Lily" as she will plea with innocent mask dishonesty.

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7 comments

[7] Ranger 12-Oct-06/2:01 PM Reply

I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.

[n/a] drnick › Ranger 12-Oct-06/7:39 PM Reply

That's because there was no reason other that to eliminate them were I thought they'd interfere with the rhythem. Not completely intentional, I was going for the servant speaking to his master psuedo-dialect...which I didn't think would be a huge problem, but(!) apparently it is not working out here. Hmm, I'm not sure I could fix this without completely scrapping it...I dunno, we'll see. I mean I do have so much free time ;]

[7] Ranger › drnick 13-Oct-06/4:18 AM Reply

Well, 'they not see' makes little sense as it is. You could have said 'they don't see', and still kept the feel of speaking to someone higher up the social chain. Socia-motional doesn't fit the theme though, although I like the idea of it. You don't need to scrap it - a few fixes here and there will get the motor running again, I'd say. And you physics students have it easy. It's not as though you do a taxing, strenuous subject like...um, philosophy...

[4] nypoet22 12-Oct-06/6:01 PM Reply

to have the word "thee" followed shortly thereafter by the word "socio-emotional" shows the inconsistency of language use here. every work has some inconsistencies, but the language and grammar of this one is really all over the place.

[n/a] drnick › nypoet22 12-Oct-06/7:44 PM Reply

I was under the presumption that one, when writing poetry, has some slack when it comes to grammer and such...but I suppose I was a little pretentious in this case. Haha, it seems like the grammer really bothered you...i hope you can forgive me!

[8] A_Dark_Calm 13-Oct-06/7:25 AM Reply

Too many inverted sentences but good cadence.

[9] Dovina 14-Oct-06/10:42 AM Reply

I like the appearance of "Lily" near the end. But why in quotes? The mis-grammar is so consistent that I see it's intentional. By half way through this, I get the style of it, which was confusing at first. I think it's a style that would take either a long poem or a series of poems to make sense of.