poemranker ::Suburban Spleen by Sasha

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Villanelle № 147812

Suburban Spleen

by Sasha

Member since 2004 · Posted 29 Oct 2006 · 4 comments

Suburban Spleen Sleep in. It isn’t worth the yawn, The bookshelved room, the scheduled day. There are no colors in the dawn. Payroll’s too bored to note you’re gone And, since you’re bored enough to stay, Sleep in. It isn’t worth the yawn To watch the rain fall on your lawn From clouds that bleach the world away. There are no colors in the dawn. Though sunlight tries your curtain’s brawn With the nuisance of a ray, Sleep in. It isn’t worth the yawn To lose the gold and crimson drawn By your unconcious brain at play. (There are no colors in the dawn.) Dream of your crown, dear pawns. Dream on, Young hopes in your gray heads. Today There are no colors in the dawn. Sleep in. It isn’t worth the yawn.

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mean 7.00 weighted 5.54 rank 2585 views 202 View voting details →

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4 comments

[9] Ranger 30-Oct-06/2:19 AM Reply
Excellent - I've missed your villanelles. Typo line 14 - 'unconscious'. Your refrains are extremely well-worked here and keep a constant flow, which isn't easy in a vil. I also quite like the occasional extra rhyme ('on', 'pawn'). It's almost contradictory though, the bleakness contained within such a beautiful form. It seems to demand a certain eloquence of language which undermines all the boredom represented.
'With the nuisance of a ray' is the best line here.
[9] half.italian 31-Oct-06/4:10 AM Reply
Well written.
[9] Dovina 31-Oct-06/10:59 AM Reply
Yes, a familiar sentiment. Spleen in the title is a correct usage, but an uncommon one; maybe another word.

Welcome back.
[7] howl 1-Nov-06/2:20 PM Reply
Every stanza should end with a full stop. I know you are experimenting with style but it doesn't work. I don't like the final stanza (first two lines of) either.