Other № 148801

If she thinks if she believes

Member since 2002 · Posted 15 Jan 2007 · Edited 18 Jan 2007 · 3 comments

If she thinks if she believes My love is based on lies Even so she will leave me then all my dreams're melting away Who knows what will happen After thousand times After thousand years Iâm crying it out to all heavens But she is still lost in my arms But she is still the beloved in my heart How can I be without her? How many dawns I should see without her How many tears can show my despairs? To the madding crowd of this hell They make me down to the void If the void stays on If she never comes back again If the dream doesnât meet tomorrow I? I will be the worst void Maybe in some age To come to see her again Where I wonât meet the sky alone When the battle is won Here in my heart Here in my soul From here to the eternity of love Then the delight will be reborn The ray will go beyond The Ocean of chaos and void

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mean 2.50 weighted 4.88 rank 9980 views 169 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

3 comments

[6] Dovina 16-Jan-07/11:29 AM Reply

I think you mean "then" in Line 3, not "so". Even so, it's unnecessarily tied up in "if"'s.

[n/a] Prince of Void › Dovina 18-Jan-07/10:02 AM Reply

thank u for helping me ....

[5] ecargo 18-Jan-07/10:20 AM Reply

I think you're too focused on Writing a Poeme instead of just honestly and simply writing. That's how pimple poems erupt. Cut it down. Give details. Name names. Point fingers--artfully. Even just simplifying this would give it more impact:

If she thinks
My love is based on lies
She'll leave.
My dreams will melt away.

Not great, but better, I think. What do you know about her? What should we know? Sometimes just turning the focus away from you helps. Keep going!