poemranker ::A twisted Trail in Eden’s Garden by Dovina

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Free verse № 151186

A twisted Trail in Eden’s Garden

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 24 Mar 2007 · 16 comments

Sin is crouching at your door— she heard it said to Cain. His mother, Eve, remembers well the day she sat there crouching, halfway through a tasty sin. Suckered, sold and saddened, by verdict, vouched and valid, she lingered just for one last treat, sweet sensation, lone indulgence before the exit, slam and lock, thorns and sweat outside the gate.

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mean 7.63 weighted 5.71 rank 1930 views 254 View voting details →

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16 comments

[9] Skamper 24-Mar-07/8:51 PM Reply
Choices and hindsight, glimpses of hidden possibilities all written here. Not 100% sure of the meaning, but I appreciate what it brings to me.
[n/a] Dovina › Skamper 31-Mar-07/7:13 AM Reply
After you've been caught, found guilty and sentenced, why not sit a spell and enjoy another sin.
[9] Ranger 25-Mar-07/12:57 PM Reply
I thought the title said 'A twisted Trail in Edna's Garden'. How terrifying would that be? As for the poeme itself, it's well written. If I were to be picky (and I am) then my only suggestion might be to change 'before' to something that doesn't start on a soft stress. It's not a particularly important crit though.
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 25-Mar-07/7:53 PM Reply
Start with a hard stress and end soft; you poetes are all alike.
[9] Ranger › Dovina 27-Mar-07/2:19 AM Reply
Is that not the meaning of life?
[n/a] Stephen Robins › Ranger 27-Mar-07/2:21 AM Reply
No Ranger it is not.
[9] Ranger › Stephen Robins 27-Mar-07/2:23 AM Reply
Then my degree is doomed :(
[9] drnick 29-Mar-07/3:17 PM Reply
Very dark! I like it!
[n/a] Dovina › drnick 31-Mar-07/7:14 AM Reply
Oh, that dark lady, Eve!
[9] bwaha 17-Apr-07/7:23 AM Reply
I love the strong, vivid language you use in this. That can be easy to overdue, but you have struck a near perfect balance here, I think.

This takes a very...sensual approach to something that most people gloss over or take for granted, I think. I like it a lot.
[9] amanda_dcosta 18-May-07/5:38 AM Reply
Hmmm.. lemme see. Quite a few points came to mind when I read this. First of all, I like the theme. Secondly, I like the similar syllables used like... suckered, sold and saddened... and verdict, vouched and valid. Thirdly... its very good imagery you've pictured there at the end, ie. the last two lines. Very emphatic. Good work.
[n/a] Dovina › amanda_dcosta 18-May-07/1:21 PM Reply
It takes some knowledge of story to get that from the last two lines, which you seem to have.
[10] ALChemy 18-May-07/10:35 AM Reply
Very lyrical. Nice to see that from you.
One must remember it took the devil himself to seduce Eve but it only took a woman to seduce Adam.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 18-May-07/1:19 PM Reply
But not all Adams are so easily deceived. Even cutting through their nicknames and deciphering their secrecy often leaves an Eve lonely and flowerless.
[10] ALChemy › Dovina 18-May-07/5:18 PM Reply
Sorry hun, flower girl position has already been taken but the bride has been instucted to aim for you with the bouquet. Till then remember a rose as radiant as you needs no accompaniment of other flowers.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 19-May-07/10:20 AM Reply
Tell her no, any direction but that. Cross-country biking brings greater highs - 500 miles so far, 28,000 feet climbed, and only 12% there. But thanks for your concern.