poemranker ::What it Feels Like by laurahenn2010

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Free verse № 151525

What it Feels Like

by laurahenn2010

Member since 2007 · Posted 18 Apr 2007 · 9 comments

A touch of your skin on mine A brush of our lips as they touch A look into your eyes A smile completes the rush A touch on my waist The close of a moments kiss To open my eyes and see the only thing that matters It's how I describe my heavenly bliss Arms wrapped around me My head lies on your chest Hearing the breath escape our lips This is how it must feel to be perfectly at rest

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mean 5.33 weighted 5.09 rank 6213 views 168 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

9 comments

[10] Stephen Robins 19-Apr-07/9:02 AM Reply
May I try the next verse for you:

An awkward fumbling at my bra,
A great bulging stiffy in your jeans,
Subsides in a damp, cloying puddle,
I must attend myself, by artificial means.
[2] Sasha 20-Apr-07/10:00 PM Reply
You rhymed kiss and bliss. That alone earns you the great award of "cliché." You also refer to bliss as heavenly. This earns the award of "overt cliché." You use absolutely no novel imagery or language or even display the slightest awareness that a poem is a form of artwork.

In other words, this is a bad poem for just about every reason a poem can be bad.

-2- for effort
[2] Sasha 20-Apr-07/10:03 PM Reply
You also had poor enough taste to VOTE ON YOUR OWN POEM ANONYMOUSLY.
[10] mr cunt › Sasha 21-Apr-07/5:18 PM Reply
Silly little weed.
[10] mr cunt 21-Apr-07/5:18 PM Reply
This is very sexy. I have shot my load.
[0] SupremeDreamer 22-Apr-07/5:43 PM Reply
Ahh... now I know love is all great, transcending every thing around it, despite it's tendency to rouse so many fucking cliches...

But this poem isn't. This could be anyone. I see nothing. You gave me a clouded reflection of the idealized sensations.

Ultimately? I feel horridly cheated.

Zero.
[n/a] laurahenn2010 26-Apr-07/4:54 AM Reply
Thanks guys, I'm 15 years old. Give me a break. And thanks, but I didnt vote on my own poem. that was my friend. So before you go judging, get your info straight
[n/a] Ranger 26-Apr-07/9:40 AM Reply
If you're just starting out on the poetic road, this probably doesn't deserve the kicking it's got. It's true that it's full of cliche and vague sensation, but you have to start somewhere. Find a poet you enjoy reading and try to work out what tricks they use. Imagery, metaphor, meter etc. etc. etc. are all things to practise as you go - especially look for strong images and novel way of describing them. Rhyming dictionaries are also good resources; the best rhymer on here (zodiac) always claimed to use them.

Keep at it, listen to the criticism and ignore the insults. You'll be fine.
[n/a] laurahenn2010 › Ranger 26-Apr-07/12:14 PM Reply
awe thank you!! I am tryng, and I just use it as an opening for what I'm feeling, I'll have to submit a couple others, but those are all rather....gruesome in ways. Thanks you for giving me POSITIVE feedback. I appreciate it.