Ode to Jack

Member since 2007 · Posted 21 May 2007 · 8 comments

And I shall fall in the hollows of the great pretender to be swallowed by water-colours...chained in their vanity the road to Jack is lost so - come forth the sweet pretender wend you words through the passages of past masterâs echo - I will follow the shadowy intrusions you create within my mind - And cry for Jack Empty needles stick to basic principles of sculpted pretty pictures - where is a girl to dream... when every image painted is over-sized and details blurred every word written grabs needily for attention - those who read can see the imitation of their little lives - flushed out and waved about and they all think Yesâ¦thatâs just how I feel And poetry is lost

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8 comments

[9] Dovina 22-May-07/11:09 AM Reply

And poetry is lost - And since romance is the beauty of things far away or gone, let the poetry of who Jack was roll on. May parents were not nearly as romantic during their lives as they are now. I like this.

[n/a] Skamper › Dovina 22-May-07/3:32 PM Reply

I've only just discovered Jack, and all he stood for. Thanx for the input...

[8] Ranger 23-May-07/2:43 AM Reply

You seem to be aiming more for word-music - put some subtle rhymes in to make it move smoothly.

[n/a] Skamper › Ranger 24-May-07/11:27 PM Reply

I thought there was some, and alliteration, and assonances. I confess to not editing this at all. I would appreciate any input given, if you can see where this needs work let me know pls. With that said I don't want to lose the 'feel' of lamenting spontaniously about the lack of true poetry.

[8] Ranger › Skamper 26-May-07/11:11 AM Reply

I'm assuming from the title that this is an ode, at least in some sense. It could do with some meter. But if you don't want to stick to a strict system, use internal rhymes or mid-line rhymes to give it a subtle kick along. There's nothing wrong with editing a poem, it makes it no less valid as a spontaneous thought, and it makes it much better as poetry (usually).

[n/a] Skamper › Ranger 29-May-07/5:37 AM Reply

Well kind of an ode, only in the sense it's a dedication I guess. I know what your saying with internal rhymes giving a kick and work the flow...I will work on this, when I get over myself...a week or so should do it...

[8] nypoet22 26-May-07/12:48 PM Reply

chained in their vanity? i don't think that phrase works where it is. otherwise clever and thought-provoking. I like the rhythm.

[n/a] Skamper › nypoet22 29-May-07/5:34 AM Reply

thanks..."chained in their vanity" - hmmm...I can see it working in my head...wanna look? Can't explain it any other way, maybe except to say that most poets refuse to learn, thinking what they write is as vivid as van gogh's Irises, when in reality they dabble with fingerpaint...*shrugs*