Member since 2002 · Posted 27 Jun 2007 · Edited 4 Jul 2007 · 8 comments
When women
tickle our pinna
with their tongues,
they leave cool stains
like tree shade
to duck under
when the world comes hot
and constant
like breath.
Hi - good to see you again! Like this a lot. 'Cochlea' is a strangely anatomical word to use, it makes me feel almost queasy, and I think that's good - shows just how far those women burrow into us, even though we'd like to pretend they don't. A good tension between that and the last stanza. Nice one.
I do hope you mean metaphorically when you say women stick their tongues in our cochleas otherwise it appears after a little wikipedia research that it would be very painful if they literally licked our cochleas. Maybe you meant Pinna. You could use "Pinnas" and still keep that ever subtle hint of phallicness. The title is awesome although I have no idea what it has to do with the poem.
i agree that cochlea had a tendency to make for squeamish feelings, but pinna falls a little flat. i think it is the reduction from 3 to 2 syllables.
perhaps try "auriculae". it is a little more erotic sounding than "auricle" (which is a synonym for pinna) and it actually adds a syllable, but it works well in this case.
i would also suggest changing "women" to "lovers". my guess is that anyone can use that sort of shade when things get steamy.
understanding now your perspective (as a truck driver), this is a great sentiment.
Hey, I still like cochlea. This seems a little less sensuous than it did before - I'm not sure what other changes have been made - but it seems to me smoother and less memorable. I wouldn't have changed it. But you can't please all the people all the time...
I liked it too. for the pseudo humor of it. The pinna is outside and the cochlea is inside -deeper. I'm not totally against the rewrite but thee opener about denial had to go. It was weightless. Thanks for the comeback.
8 comments
perhaps try "auriculae". it is a little more erotic sounding than "auricle" (which is a synonym for pinna) and it actually adds a syllable, but it works well in this case.
i would also suggest changing "women" to "lovers". my guess is that anyone can use that sort of shade when things get steamy.
understanding now your perspective (as a truck driver), this is a great sentiment.
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