poemranker ::courtyard by lmp

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Free verse № 152871

courtyard

by lmp

Member since 2005 · Posted 28 Jun 2007 · Edited 29 Jun 2007 · 8 comments

i often hear: rain splashing upon the rock, the melody echoing off the walls. today: only silence, an eddied dance of white on wind.

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mean 5.67 weighted 5.18 rank 4830 views 214 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

8 comments

[7] Dovina 29-Jun-07/3:03 PM Reply
S1 is plain and easy. S2 is kind of haiku - very sparse. The two together seem mismatched.
[n/a] lmp › Dovina 29-Jun-07/3:27 PM Reply
s1 is more "pedestrian" for lack of a better term. even a bit melancholy.

s2 is more zen, mystical, hushed, contemplative.

different weather, same place. different mood, same person.
[n/a] lmp 29-Jun-07/3:42 PM Reply
i can accept that the previously posted version of this in the concrete style sucked. i thank those that pointed out the flaws.

while this may not be a better version, necessarily, it is at least more true to the original visceral response to (and memory of) the moment that motivated the penning of these words.
[8] nypoet22 30-Jun-07/12:21 AM Reply
the word today is not needed.
[8] Skamper 30-Jun-07/5:58 PM Reply
why the spacings now? I have seen this done in a few poems and don't get the idea behind it.
[9] Ranger 1-Jul-07/3:14 AM Reply
I like the irregular drip-drip sound you get with the indentations and line breaks, although I don't think that 'melody' is the word you want in this.
[9] amanda_dcosta 26-Nov-10/11:10 AM Reply
Very nice feel to this short verse. Picturesque.
[0] conny lingers 23-Jan-23/9:46 AM Reply
Your poetry smells like a lavatory's effluence