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Summer Loving (Free verse) by Christof
At the station each morning we all tune in. It must be episode nine or ten. This morning, the prettiest girl in school, Dark pony tail and flower print dress, Turns up in flats but before he comes Slips on her heels to achieve the S Of breast and spine, of calf, of self. A minute later, a tremor less, The lover arrives having quite forgotten Non-uniform day. Oh, bottom of class. Our fantasy girl we wanted to see As if in the climactic scene from Grease When the guy is a hunter, she a panther released. Instead he's a schoolboy, she a bottled wasp Lured by sweetness, buzzing and wrestling And crawling the walls of the great empty vessel In which she is trapped. He makes his embrace but her hands are tight-wrapped. We, the chorus, have no expectation Of seeing the drama beyond episode eleven.

Up the ladder: Golden Times
Down the ladder: A Wedding Present

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Weighted score: 5.0794687
Overall Rank: 6457
Posted: July 5, 2007 7:02 AM PDT; Last modified: July 5, 2007 7:02 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Dovina @ 207.119.192.70 | 5-Jul-07/2:29 PM | Reply
Slips on her heels to achieve the S
Of breast and spine, of calf, of self.

These lines could start something from her POV. As it is, it gets quite twisted.
[n/a] Christof @ 62.121.23.56 > Dovina | 6-Jul-07/1:22 AM | Reply
I like twisted! I'm sorry to say I'm not interested in her POV in this - it's all about the voyeurs on the platform. Thanks for your comment though.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 65.29.60.146 | 6-Jul-07/7:13 AM | Reply
Are you putting the -bottom of class against her heels?
Raising her up, Physically and metaphorically, so to speak? It's the only thing that seems to carry no weight. I think the- Oh, bottom of class- is there without the statement.
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 85.146.196.165 | 6-Jul-07/1:49 PM | Reply
I like the image of the bottled wasp very much. I think it's possible to explore an image, or take it further, but you should never explain it - which is exactly what you're doing in the lines following the wasp: "Lured by sweetness, buzzing and wrestling And crawling the walls of the great empty vessel
In which she is trapped."
Ow! Guess I was to dumb to get it.

The first part is pretty nice (skip one morning though), up to the lover's arrival. The rhythm goes out the window there and the whole poem becomes a bit lazy and self satisfied with stuff like 'fantasy girl' and such. And the grease doesn't do it any good either.
Still, there's the wasp.







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