Plug my Phone In

Member since 2002 · Posted 10 Sep 2007 · 5 comments

He's teaching school now, the elements the chart says, waking together coffee, chemistry ten morning minutes sacred before the bell rings two alarms chime on we parking ticket ourselves, your plug fits in mine

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4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

5 comments

[9] INTRANSIT 11-Sep-07/6:47 AM Reply

Possible changes : replace -chemistry- it's understood in the previous line.

I think you can move -sacred- between ten and morning, and do no harm.

the parking ticket is clunky BUT interesting. Odd is good. Can you soften it a little?

The plug line bugs me. Too forward, I think.

Overall, I really like what you've built.

[9] INTRANSIT 11-Sep-07/6:53 AM Reply

I also think you're under appreciated around here. I hope you are not relegating yourself to this site only.

[n/a] jessicazee › INTRANSIT 12-Sep-07/5:41 PM Reply

thanks.

[9] deleted user 14-Sep-07/3:45 AM Reply

Very well done--and I agree with INTRANSIT about you being under appreciated. Keep up the good work.

[9] Ranger 20-Sep-07/1:29 AM Reply

The second stanza is perfect (perhaps change the position of 'sacred' as our trucker suggests). "He's teaching school now" wants editing, in my opinion and the last line is very abrupt. Maybe that's what you were after though?