poemranker ::The Friendship Storm by x0lovelylarnx0

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Free verse № 154042

The Friendship Storm

by x0lovelylarnx0

Member since 2004 · Posted 9 Oct 2007 · Edited 11 Oct 2007 · 10 comments

On with life our friends will go Embarking on a new road Fluffy White Storm clouds cluster in the sky Blocking the sun from shining down on their lives Love hides in the dark rain The Lovers remain separate as the storm reigns Lighting Shatters the heart in half Thunder thrashes out on it's soul mate The storm blows over Leaving in a rush to tear another lost heart into shreds The sun pours it's love and warmth onto the Victim's wretched luck The paths connect back at the start Now these lovers must never part

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mean 6.00 weighted 5.27 rank 3818 views 201 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

10 comments

[3] Skamper 13-Oct-07/9:28 PM Reply
this is very bland - you need to drop such overused phrases and take what is in your head and write it in your own words...don't worry about what other people rate your work, it's not that important...honestly you seem to want to play to the masses instead of just playing.
[n/a] x0lovelylarnx0 › Skamper 14-Oct-07/12:41 PM Reply
your last sentence doesn't make since to me! lol
[3] Skamper › x0lovelylarnx0 14-Oct-07/7:44 PM Reply
Ok...you have an idea in your head of what you want to write and it seems to me you use terms that are overused and very familiar to what the public will see. Instead of thinking about what YOU see, you create the scene that's easily recognisible but totally worn out. If you write just for the recognition then you need to relax and find your own style - because this is fairly generic.
[n/a] x0lovelylarnx0 › Skamper 15-Oct-07/11:17 AM Reply
Got Ya! lol Slow much! If I find time I might try to re-do this poem. I never have time to relax and find my own style!
[n/a] T. Jonathron Remp 17-Oct-07/12:45 AM Reply
The word "separate" is the strongest word in this poem, thank you. Cheers and beers, and welcome to Area 6, secret hideout.
[4] pete 18-Oct-07/7:56 AM Reply
too many words
[n/a] x0lovelylarnx0 › pete 18-Oct-07/11:31 AM Reply
is that like all you know how to say is too many words!?
[9] sonawrote 19-Oct-07/11:28 AM Reply
despite the ongoing comments by other people, I liked this it even made me go read more of your stuff....
[n/a] x0lovelylarnx0 › sonawrote 19-Oct-07/12:27 PM Reply
Why thank you! I finally got a good comment!
[5] Musicman 24-Oct-07/4:32 AM Reply
This one has potential. I do not understand the caps on "White Storm", "Lovers", "Shatters and "Victim's". I also feel that the this would read better with shorter sentence structure, i.e.
"The lover's remain
separate
as the storm reignsd.
This poem does not need to rhyme and word choice, especially in the last two lines would make this an excellent read. Also, don;t worry about rockmage and his incessant need to be noticed by giving Zeros. No poem deserves a Zero unless it is so esoteric no one can decipher it or the form and structure is so bad that the writer needs serious help.