poemranker ::The Least of These by Dovina

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Free verse № 154725

The Least of These

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 19 Dec 2007 · 5 comments

What matters is your fruit, He said clothing given to a robber a stranger warmly fed Not a gift to fellow Christian but repulsive neighbor loved cheek exposed to slapping brat That was how He showed the way that was how His truth brought strife but in the end, He promised life Children know, adults must learn this baby on the hay who made the place in which He lay Is just as weak and strangely made as sickly kids in Pakistan who wish us only harm They would follow Abraham give their only baby imitate their God See Him lie there needing care and one day He will say “You did it unto me” What separates fire from its heat bodies from their stench or young devotion from radioactive rain?

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mean 6.25 weighted 5.15 rank 5325 views 219 View voting details →

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5 comments

[9] jessicazee 20-Dec-07/11:29 PM Reply
I repeated "a stranger warmly fed" a few times out loud. Good feelings.
Didn't love "as sickly kids in Pakistan" (to clarify, I LOVE those kids), but not sure your specificity there works.
Last stanza's first two lines are as striking and good-ending-y as it comes, but the last line seems out-of-place? Really liked this, thanks for making me think, inspirational. 9
[n/a] Dovina › jessicazee 21-Dec-07/11:09 AM Reply
It seems my Pakistani kids struck an unwelcome note for both you and Caducus. I guess we get so many appeals this time of year that this one seems trite. Still, the words of this baby in the hay also seem trite in all their familiarity—give your tunic to the robber why just stole your cloak, and turn the other cheek, do good to those who hate you, etc. Just sounds counterproductive. Maybe it’s not, and maybe those Pakistani kids who want us dead are better won than shot. Thanks for your thoughts.
[n/a] Caducus 21-Dec-07/3:23 AM Reply
5th Stanza will court controversy and as its an opinion of the writers you may be asked by some to elaborate on it. Like baby in the hay but dont like sickly kids in....


Line 2 needs to end with - is, or a link to next line.

I think you can say this shorter with more impact and leave out your thoughts and write from a neutral ground.

[n/a] Dovina › Caducus 21-Dec-07/9:38 PM Reply
Line 2 ends with an implied pause, at least I want it to. This leads to the new phrase in Line 3. I can see how you thought they should be part of the same thought, but they’re not. I want the controversy that this poem courts. Thanks for noticing. It’s a harsh Christmas theme, designed to antagonize. Thanks for commenting.
[8] Ranger 21-Dec-07/2:59 PM Reply
Love the last stanza, and bits here and there also appeal. Stanzas one and two are nice but could be reworded to be a bit more, well, poetic. The sickly kids section is also promising, but I don't really like the word 'kids' in poetry. And I hate seeing life rhymed with strife. It's only a flying visit I've paid, but I have read this a couple of times since it was posted. Hope the Christmas season's treating you well!