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Trespasser at the Men's Bathing Pond (Free verse) by Christof
Without permission you dropped a stone Into my pond. Like flesh on bone The water wrapped and sucked around Until it drowned But only a ripple, a tiny wave And a ripple betrayed its grave. A pinprick in the fibrous part Of cortex where desires start Even now spread out to claim My entire brain But gently, mind, a supple wave So softly sharp and slyly brave.

Up the ladder: Am I Still Here?

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 22
.. 10
.. 32
.. 40
.. 12
.. 10
.. 00
.. 11
.. 10
.. 20
.. 21

Arithmetic Mean: 5.769231
Weighted score: 5.7640824
Overall Rank: 1774
Posted: September 20, 2002 1:09 AM PDT; Last modified: September 20, 2002 1:13 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 20-Sep-02/8:42 PM | Reply
eat more haggis...be well. lest the guppies attack and chew 'pon your little toe..
[n/a] royalflesh @ 66.122.134.206 | 20-Sep-02/11:09 PM | Reply
The topic of where desire starts is always an interesting one Bacchus. The detail of the cortex is ethereal
[n/a] god'swife @ 209.179.211.29 | 23-Sep-02/6:58 AM | Reply
I voted on this but hadn't commented. The title is a stranger to me. I assume the stone-dropper is in S1 is the premoter of your desire in S2 but I keep picturing a man so it puts me off. I prefer S2. Line 4 seems unnecessary I read it without L4 and (spreads) in L3, but that just means I transformed it into something more mine. I particularly like the last line. You have to be brave to rouse another's desire. I haven't seen too much expressing that.
[n/a] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 > god'swife | 23-Sep-02/7:02 AM | Reply
Interesting that you picture a man... the Men's Bathing Pond in Hampstead is strictly men only so any trespasser would have to be a woman. But without that knowledge, you picture a chap. Wonder why? Well, I don't mind, it adds a frisson maybe.
[n/a] Lenore @ 64.252.102.35 > Christof | 23-Sep-02/7:27 AM | Reply
I pictured a man as well. The title set me up for it. I like it better now. ;)
[n/a] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 > Lenore | 23-Sep-02/7:29 AM | Reply
Should I change the title to 'Woman at the Men's Bathing Pond'? Oh I don't know. Ambiguity can be fun.
[8] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 23-Sep-02/12:11 PM | Reply
i'd like it better if s1 ended 'only a ripple' repeating from the line above--a sort of reinforcement of incredulity. ripples can effect untold change, when time and circumstance align just so
[10] vulcan @ 80.242.3.216 | 24-Sep-02/8:33 AM | Reply
Hi Christof!you try to pierce into my psyche!I was inspired to write "a man of the world",when I recalled H.G.Wells'"A door in the wall".have you read that?one of the best short stories I've ever read.(of course the Priest and the ring was my own invention!)-A 10 for your poem!
[n/a] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 > vulcan | 24-Sep-02/8:35 AM | Reply
No I haven't read that, and I've read quite a lot of Wells. I'll have to look that out. Thanks for the vote!
[8] Venus @ 198.81.26.139 | 2-Oct-02/11:58 PM | Reply
8/10
[9] daniella @ 200.45.51.140 | 19-Oct-02/10:20 PM | Reply
when the steam dissipates, me thinks he will remain pondering his rippling flesh, looking no deeper than his bones.
[n/a] poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.91 | 16-Jan-03/10:30 PM | Reply
Maybe it is because I have never had the pleasure of going to a men's bathing pond, but that first image confuses me to no end. Can you explain it?
[8] Quarton @ 12.217.212.111 | 21-Jan-03/9:28 AM | Reply
I like this. Very original and good rhythm. The form is different, using 6 lines per stanza and a couplet rhyme scheme.
Interesting piece and deserves a high number.
[10] sir_heff @ 65.172.117.1 | 23-Jan-03/10:17 AM | Reply
i wish i could wright like that 10.....
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