DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

without music

Member since 2002 · Posted 12 Nov 2002 · 6 comments

I heard this at a wedding once: 'a beautiful boy asked me to dance and a beautiful girl took him away' my own wedding was small, informal, quiet and we had no dancing, but two cakes instead three years later, we forgot about talking (as we had forgotten the music) and I was alone and he was alone and we were alone together still, without dancing or children and only 2 windows in our home no beautiful woman came but he is really gone I will not lay blame my sisters are not as old as me without husbands, we three attend the weddings of friends and sometimes dance but I have never had a conversation like those which passed without words between us, who forgot the unspoken who married without music and parted in silence

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7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

6 comments

[n/a] god'swife 13-Nov-02/1:14 AM Reply

Needs work but fantastic at the end.

[n/a] Limness › god'swife 13-Nov-02/7:25 AM Reply

can you help with suggestions, please?

[n/a] god'swife › Limness 13-Nov-02/2:07 PM Reply

The second stanza. Try to replace all those "alone"s. with god only knows what. I lose your voice there. You're such a clever girl, am sure you can come up with something. Or even 'alone, alone, alone/I. He. We.' I don't know, just the tone is so educated and then that central part seems less than.

[7] anitawit 27-Nov-02/11:18 AM Reply

Poignant

[8] Shuushin 5-Feb-04/8:58 PM Reply

what you say is not badly said - yet...

[8] Shuushin › Shuushin 6-Feb-04/12:40 PM Reply

okay, back. To be more specific - I guess by conveying, sucessfully apparently, a sense of ennui, I believe it doesn't draw the reader in very much. Or perhaps too much; I end up, figuratively, as if it were a sepia photograph slipping from my fingers - and I simply step away from it.

What more do I want? I think I want a hook line, or an echoed sentiment, say - related to the first quotation (because that's quite lovely and poignant).