DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Iced

Member since 2002 · Posted 30 Nov 2002 · Edited 7 Dec 2002 · 4 comments

looking out my window at my freshly frozen backyard I remember: the summers on my roller blades when the sun would bake my skin a deep olive give my hair warm golden kisses and light my eyes to a bright aqua I would go to the beach almost everyday swim until my lips turned purple and I could no longer ignored my hunger I would wrap my towel around me and walk for hours meeting strange boys and helping them build sea creatures in the sand memorise I long would fade so I may better accept the cold

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4 comments

[7] horus8 2-Dec-02/12:54 AM Reply

two problems: title and last sentence....titles weak, because it's not a tractor beam, and it should...and that's how you should end it...with....taking out "ever will"...cuz we all know it will. and put should.w

[n/a] <~> 2-Dec-02/6:32 AM Reply

your line breaks don't make sense--bring the colors up onto the lines they modify, unless you have a reason for isolating them...

and, what is it that makes you unhappy now? maybe close with that.

[n/a] Caducus 2-Dec-02/9:26 AM Reply

Sweet and mellifluent. But the turtles have to go (in england they mean something that rhymes with shit -oops i said it, but I quite liked this, nicely worded *7*

[n/a] debased › Caducus 2-Dec-02/4:34 PM Reply

thank you for all your comments i'll try to make some improvements
lol i ll see what i can do about the turtles