DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

When Im Gone

Member since 2002 · Posted 10 Dec 2002 · Edited 19 Dec 2002 · 7 comments

[still working on this one] When I'm gone Make Sure you take the pictures 1.Nestle them safe in a box 2.Throw in the Pacific Ocean Make sure you dont read my notebook 1.Simply burn the awful words 2.Scatter in the Puget Sound Be careful to take my teddy bear 1.Kiss him gently from my childhood 2.Place on my early grave Be sure to make use of my old room 1. Rent it out 2. Make it a guest room I dare you not to leave my things in the dust I couldnt stand to leave them untouched Just lying there... After I'm Gone And tell my friends I loved them 1. find the people who were important to me 2. speak softly Oh imagine The poor furniture, lying in the still The spiders and winter air, on my window sill Leave the shutters closed Just because I'm gone it doesnt mean that sunlight should come in like you always wanted it to.

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7 comments

[7] horus8 10-Dec-02/9:44 PM Reply

stop at winter air, than say open my shutters for the sun.also, try to compromise the integrity of some of your adjectives...think neutral but crisp and light like foil, a taoist with telepathic abilities.t

[6] Caducus 11-Dec-02/10:01 AM Reply

the last line almost ruined it for me, i hate flow interuption !
Okay then had my moan ! this could be REALLY good, you put a good slant on the philosophy of death and this simmers with empathy, its a real thought provoker so you've touched on a good subject, however carry on working on it, get rid of the numbering as it sucks, I wanna read this again when you finished it. And geez you gotta finish this, resubmit the baby for more feedback, zzinnia, gods wife, poeat and knowit, horus8, tintag intransit, and many more may occasionally criticise but they are crystal muses of help.

[n/a] New Life Drug › Caducus 13-Dec-02/8:32 PM Reply

yes yes it needs work. Every time I try to edit it, it goes to "Final freedom of Jason" gaaahh. after the glitch I will butcher it. I like the numbers though. They add originality and when I thought of this, it was kind of like a list in my head. I suppose the flow interruption is annoying, but I like to that sort of thing. Take one last breathe and pour out whatever was in my head. But I think it doesnt fit in this poem. It contradicts the whole simple list thing. Good day.

[7] <~> › New Life Drug 18-Dec-02/8:46 AM Reply

i like the numbers too.
i'd break this up though:
Just because I'm gone
it doesnt mean that sunlight should
come in like
you always wanted it to.

[n/a] Bill Z Bub 19-Dec-02/7:49 PM Reply

Keep working on it. It's starting to shape up nicely.
I love these lines:
"Simply burn the awful words"
"I dare you not to leave my things in the dust"
and
"Oh imagine
The poor furniture"
~sniff~
poor, poor furniture...

[n/a] New Life Drug › Bill Z Bub 20-Dec-02/4:25 PM Reply

i'm glad you like those lines.. those are my faves too. I want this to be moving...

[6] Caducus 20-Dec-02/4:45 AM Reply

better