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While flipping over stones (Sonnet) by <{Baba^Yaga}> I found my love under a rock.
In the backyard of my mind.
With bare feet I'll load then cock.
Although I'm shooting blind.
It was that reckless attitude.
Those chances I would take.
I should have shown more gratitude.
When they warned me of the snake.
'stead I frolicked mad in rapture.
While flipping over stones.
A worm was coiled and poised to capture.
The rolling of my bones.
My head swings low, so sets the sun.
Those holes bleed slow, the snake has won.
Up the ladder:
Almost One
Down the ladder:
The Khat
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.032258
Posted: February 5, 2003 10:05 PM PST; Last modified: March 17, 2003 12:56 PM PSTWeighted score: 7.0304065 Overall Rank: 45 Comments:
[8]
brazen @ 68.84.225.163
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6-Feb-03/6:35 AM
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Reply
snake bite eh? don't make me suck out anything...
2 things:
"With bare feet, and never a sock" redundant. feels like you were trying too hard. ending couplet suggestion: my head swung low, as retreated, the sun two holes now bled slow: so ended my fun.
Yeah i like that... i'll use it thanks.i
take out 'all' in the last line. it's one beat too many.
is this about drugs lol
Actually it's about the beef jerky donner pass connection
dammit! again, you miss the chance for the rhyme!!!!!
That should be better.
hmm. not the cock i have been thinking on, but i can see how it works better for the poem that way.
:|
love it muchly
I like it
Yes, you bit Sterling...was that his name? Haha. Orange Bicardi....and I stole the pretzels. You were funny. You need an omlette, a vicodin, some wine and then I'll drive your ass home. Perhaps you can come over and paint something for my apt. Yes, the walls are still a bit bare. Ohhhhhhhhh.....and I'll give you my business card...yeah! I am not only a member, but I am the President of the hair club for vaginas.
SIGUR ROS! is goddy music. This is how'll do my next album. i love this stuff.
Interseting. So... Can I ask why, of all the men that chase you... Why me, like this, now. Does the devil visit twice to whisper sweet temptation or once to shout it, but never to cry it that river which leaves the babtised cold. No... He drinks to the homosexuality in him that now instead of killing him. saves his life. I can't see you, because for the last twenty years of my life, I couldn't see me. I'm not gay. I'm not straight, also; more then anything, you deserve more then my mirrors and memorys. I live the past, please you're supposed to hate me now and curse my name. Not be unorthodox and regenerative. Quit while you're ahead. My path is for the chosen.
hey... that was funny huh?! i should be a preacher. lol. I would come over, but my family would miss me me child and hate me too, for being a bad dad and a chicky pumper. so see it's mighty improppable, can you bring the vicadin to me, mail,it maybe or does it come attached to your pelvis? ahhhhhhhhh. i have to be goodss i'm auditioning for the monkey's moviey ("hey hey we're the monkeys) on wed. so i hAVE TO BE GOOD DAMNIT. devil still your choppers!
I don't hate you. I see past the facade. All the men...Haha... Please. I don't give a fuck about any of them. I don't know Jeremi. I just like your energy. It's unexplainable, I feel connected to you in some way. I don't judge you. You can be a transvestite with a dick and tits... I don't care. I like you for you. Odd. I know. Shut up now and come and just talk to me. I promise not to seduce you. I miss you as a person. It was never about getting physical...you know that. We don't have to.
"I like you for you" hahahahahahahahahahahaha......hahahahaha
Welcome to MS. ORNELLA'S NEIGHBORHOOD Hi kids, its a wonderful day in the neighborhood! Can you say Co-Dee-Pen-Dent? Sure... I knew you could! Follow me into the kitchen children, be careful, don't slip on that pool of venom I threw-up earlier. Now let's open the drawer and I'll show my collection of daggers. Oh! this one's my favorite kids! It's the one I use for stabbing people in the back. Can you say Change-ling? How about Shape-shifter? Today we're going to take a trip to zoo and visit the Bi-polar bears. Won't that be fun?! They're going to teach use how to vacillate between hospitable & homicidal. Then the witch from Hansel & Gretel will be here to show us how to lure addictive personalities with alchohol and pills. While we're still here in the kitchen, I'd like to show you a recipe from my new cook book; It's a Wonderful Day for A Neighbor. Take one lost soul, baste him in merlot, season with crushed up vicodens. Batter with relentless abuse, fuck him over a hot stove, then drag through burning coals. Repeat. Always remember kiddies, I like you just the way you are. Tits, dick and all!
Can we put Zoloft in the Jello. sis? please.
Why are you butting in? Yes, I like him tits, dick and all. You know nothing of our dynamic or of what has been going on. It doesn't concern you, period. And by the way, my name is Tanya, not Ornella. I am not bi-polar and even if I was then I don't really think it's something you should be making fun of.
How does leaving a spontaneous and very very funny reply on your comment consitute butting in? I don't give a flying fuck about your dynamic, and if there is really something worth while between the two of you what possible influence is what I write going to have? I just enjoy making fun of you.
Bi-polar is not a virus. It doesn't come and go, you either are or you aren't. You will always be Ornella to me. Please don't forget to invite me to the wedding.
Hi Tanya! How are you?!?! I missed you sooo much! Anyway, I just dropped by to let you know about the wonderful invention called "ELECTRONIC MAIL", or "E-MAIL", if you will. With this so-called "ELECTRONIC MAIL", one can transmit text-based messages to another person without forcing 3000 other people to scroll past your latest anus magnus! PLEASE USE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE RATHER BORING TA CHEERIO PIP DIDDLY FUCK
I haven't missed you at all.
I wish you could all hear this sigur ros album with me, i am the courtesan, the incubus, the fool, each and all of you in me, my blink the star of you, too, pulsing, we count what we can not comprehend with any clock geared insides. Bachus has written. I fear. his last poem................................for those of you that knew him. his time's now still. thank god and thank you.
your content and ryhme are excellent, and your meter over all is iambic, but you miss the "pentameter" part of the english sonnet form
basically every line should have 10 syllables otherwise, good work!
Thank you. I am aware of the English sonnet's structure, and that I'm breaking certain rules, but cross pollinating flowers promotes diversity and evolution, and scientific headaches too, unfortunately. I appreciate your time to comment. thanks again.
I get the impression that this could be a far better piece without the constraints of the rhyme pattern. As it is, it feels a little disjointed and forced in parts, if only to fit the structure you've imposed on it.
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