poemranker ::Triptych: Rural by lastobelus

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Haiku № 44453

Triptych: Rural

by lastobelus

Member since 2003 · Posted 16 Mar 2003 · Edited 7 Feb 2004 · 9 comments

Fallowing --------- crow rises, still black boot into clod of turned earth recoil, break, reload. Racing the Train ---------------- gunned under the bitch hissing, face flat out ugly with a brand new fear. Family Reunion ------- squalling bee-stung child. Uncles lean on their cars, beer takes away the sting.

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mean 6.67 weighted 5.20 rank 4558 views 258 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

9 comments

[9] horus8 16-Mar-03/3:15 PM Reply
Choice cuts.
[9] <~> 16-Mar-03/5:15 PM Reply
excellent ending line in 1. much more satisfying.
2 works better without the punctuation. good call.
3 has amused me.
[n/a] lastobelus › <~> 17-Mar-03/3:10 AM Reply
thanks z! I'm glad you made me throw away the original last line of 1. I found lots of goodies searching for a new one, images that will twirl in my head for a while.
[5] poetandknowit 16-Mar-03/7:51 PM Reply
You swear fucking more than Mamet. the last one takes the cake. Can't say I am all that fond of the others. But what the fuck, eh.
[n/a] lastobelus › poetandknowit 17-Mar-03/1:54 AM Reply
That's because I'm madly in love with Rebecca Pigeon and have been for years.
[10] zodiac 7-Feb-04/9:31 PM Reply
The first two are great, the last not so great. It jars. How about "Uncles lean on cars; some beer / takes away..."? Is that any improvement? Do you see what I'm asking?
[n/a] lastobelus › zodiac 8-Feb-04/6:23 AM Reply
umm, wouldn't that kill the double meaning? the uncles are taking away sting too.
[10] zodiac › lastobelus 8-Feb-04/6:38 AM Reply
How about "their beer"? And another word for takes?
[n/a] lastobelus › zodiac 15-Feb-04/4:54 PM Reply
...uncles lean on cars, their beer
takes away the sting.

-- might actually be better, in terms of the main meaning. Good edit.

However, uncles leaning on THEIR cars is a very personal image for me -- the family reunions at my grandma's house with my father's 13 surviving siblings, their spouses, and a bazillion cousins. So ima gonna hafta leave this one the way she be.