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Shut Up (Free verse) by openwounds I removed my tongue last night .
Never felt pain, couldn't wait
I cut it slowly, taking care .
Silence is the only sound I hear
My words were killing me .
didn't need it really
A clean blade soon bathed in blood .
falling on the white carpet
they just laughed .
I saved it . in a jar
It's ugly just like the words were .
Now I'm pretty
Up the ladder:
Star Bright
Down the ladder:
Lossing Grip
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.375
Posted: March 23, 2003 4:14 PM PST; Last modified: March 23, 2003 4:14 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.8319116 Overall Rank: 10830 Comments:
[0]
Blindproject217 @ 68.86.0.162
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23-Mar-03/4:25 PM
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Reply
This is a incredibly disturbing poem.
[n/a]
openwounds @ 64.12.96.139
> Blindproject217
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23-Mar-03/4:57 PM
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Reply
A little too much for your sheltered mind?
fingers are next, right? so no more typing in of poems???
Yes, yours.
ouch. you're not a nice person. i don't like you. any morte.
rather good news, don't you think?
Who gave this a 10? This sounds like some kind of Manson song, I would have taken it as a plea for help from a tormented child until the last line "Now I'm pretty" it just creeped me out, it appears that years of abuse have pushed you to the edge of sanity, I just can't help thinking of Slipknot or whatever those bands are that sing of self mutilation and depravity. Bands I am sure you idolize and hold in high regard. Wake up. The way you are now is not because some jock beat you up or the pretty girls giggle at you, it is because you let them, the only person to blame for your depression is yourself. The second you let them get to you, the second you give up is where you are to blame. All my life people have told me I?m not good enough, It makes me stronger, that is what I feed off of. The more people say Ill never amount is what pushes me further. Some good advice, no matter how crappy your surroundings become don?t give up, do not let them get to you.
oh dear. it really does seem that no one understands the poem. listen sweetness, i'm not a tormented child, nor am i on the brink of insanity. i simply like my poetry a bit more .. daring. i don't particularly care for slipknot or marilyn manson, sorry for not following your little sterotypes. the line 'they just laughed' wasn't referring to "jocks" or "pretty girls". it referred to my friends - they would see such an act as something funny - as would i. so please before you make an attempt to analyze me and my poetry - get a grip - not all 'weird' poetry is written by a manic depressive 'freak'.
Im not trying to stereotype I just see this kinda stuff all the time, what do you think was going through the kids minds at Colubine, probably this kinda freeky wierd stuff, so for you to make somthing deranged as this makes me wonder whats going on in your life. Even if its a joke its not funny.
Well since my life is of no concern to you - don't wonder. I highly doubt that the thought of removing ones tongue was on the mind of any child at Columbine, not sure what that has to do with the poem, but ok. Also, I never said it was a joke. I take all of my poetry very seriously. And maybe the children at Columbine were thinking something like 'I'm never going to see my family again'. Of course, that is 'freeky weird stuff' right? Maybe not ..
NEWSFLASH: this is not weird or ".. daring".
Ah, but to Blindproject it most certainly is .. you must see things from his/her point of view. Apparently they have never been exposed to this kind of writing - so they found it 'weird'.
okay, i cede you that. but i don't understand your point here. and the apparent carelessness with which you have structured the verbage. i agree with p&k--this started of screaming with potential, but ended: definitely a rough draft.
Can you really hear silence? I believe there is a point in complete quiet where the ears can actually feel pain because they are trying so hard to hear something. Anyway, besides that I find the poem quite bad. Sorry. Have a nice day.
no need for apologies - any desire to offer reasons for why it is bad?
It is weak because you start with a rather decent line and create a set up for an extended metaphor that might be rather effective, but you lose it quickly with a ambiguous second line, which I would cut and make the third line the second line, which extends the metaphor in better fashion. Also the problem with the silence line is 1) a cliche and 2) confusing because in reality when the image is brought to life it makes no sense. Also, who are "they"? And what are you going for with the white carpet: innocence, purity, pre-lapsarian language. And considering the poem has to do with words and the tongue is an extended metaphor for that, the last line trips the reader. I think you have a nice idea and with some thought, you could express the concept better utilizing solid imagery within the framework of the original metaphor. Good luck.
All right, thanks for the tips, I'll take them into consideration.
You know a bar of soap is the prefered method of cleasing ones self but I love the gore that comes to mind. 'they just laughed' would have to be the most creepy line. The 'Now I'm pretty' Fits so perfectly and will probably make alot of people quesy.
BOORAH GRANDMA AWARD. -10-
Kinky.
I like to think so.
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