poemranker ::Salt Water by OneFingerAnswer

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Free verse № 47439

Salt Water

Member since 2002 · Posted 19 Apr 2003 · Edited 19 Apr 2003 · 6 comments

Funny drops, these bits of salted water Just as their fluid magnifies what we see through them, Their presence magnifies what we feel through them Sadness deepens to despair Joy rises and sores Anger burns and flares Laughter bursts and bubbles ever more And when we cry for no reason, That silly emptyness rings Vibrating deeper and louder Shaking to the very core As if the tears were meant to flow out with every echoed boom Leaving in their wake a vast and meaningless container Running on our faces Leaving trails Like some dried Dead Sea Salted and lifeless

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mean 4.25 weighted 4.91 rank 9551 views 225 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

6 comments

[7] GekoHawaii 19-Apr-03/7:22 AM Reply
Overall an amazing poem, but just felt like silly didn't really fit in though. Maybe you could look for a different adjective. Since in the whole dark and wise tone of the whole poem, silly is a little naive and childish.
[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › GekoHawaii 19-Apr-03/3:13 PM Reply
Using the word silly when it's said with spite is childish? I don't think so. If you can think of a better word I'll thank you but I think it fits fine.
[7] horus8 19-Apr-03/4:30 PM Reply
"
As if the tears were meant (to) flow out with every echoed boom.
Leaving in their wake (a) vast and meaningless container". couple erps here, but otherwise, 'right on'.
[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › horus8 19-Apr-03/10:44 PM Reply
Thanks again. I guess I should stop typing late at night eh?
[8] Ranger 20-Apr-03/1:29 AM Reply
Beautiful, if you can excuse me being British. I think line 3 is the best. 8
(As an alternative word for silly, maybe you could actually use 'childish'? Just a suggestion).
[n/a] OneFingerAnswer › Ranger 20-Apr-03/2:05 AM Reply
Perhaps... I'll consider it. Thank you. (By the by I can't really be angry at the Brits; they make some of the best damn beers in the world)