Free verse № 56504
Pretzel
Show me the leader whose eyes can withstand
The gaze of dead faces that leather in the sand.
Blood on the lintel and bile on the mat,
This is the suite where the bellies grow fat.
Crimp the young shoots and advance by the nose,
Shiny green beetles devour the rose.
8 comments
Show me the leader whose eyes can withstand
The gaze of dead faces that leather in sand.
Blood on the lintel, and bile upon mat,
This is the suite where bellies grow fat.
Crimp the young shoots and press on by the nose,
Shiny green beetles shall devour your rose.
In the second line, you remove the second to last word, "the". I'm considering keeping that one. But I like the fact that this line, along with lines 3,5, and 6 end with "the + noun". Plus this poem wasn't meant to be read with rigid scansion.
In line 3, you take out the words, "on the" and replace it with "upon". Why yes, just the other day I cracked open a cold brewsky and placed it upon the table. I think I'll keep "on the".
I was thinking dactylic when I set these lines down. You shortened line four by taking out the "the" between where and bellies, changing the dactyl. Typo?
Line 5 does suck. Reading it now, maybe,
Crimp the young shoots and advance by the nose,
or
Crimp the young shoots that are lead by the nose.
Then line 6. You change the time by adding shall, which also breaks the dactyl, plus you change the to "your" which is the only time in the whole poem that the 2nd person is invoked. Actually, I'd be interested to know your take on that last line, because maybe your interpretation was personal. Which is another kind of feedback altogether, and also interesting
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