Upon a falling star (new/changed)

Member since 2003 · Posted 24 Jul 2003 · Edited 20 Aug 2003 · 8 comments

And how many times must I wish upon a falling star Wondering why you've gone so far away And I'm here wish for another day Tell me why you've gone so far away Baby please, there has to be a better way Come back and hold me for a day. Tell me now all the things you wish to say. And how many times must I wish upon a falling star. Wonder why you've gone so far away And I'm still stuck, wishing Wishing for another day and a better way Baby please tell me you hear all these things I say Can't keep going on wishing for another day. And how many times must I wish upon a falling star Wonder why you've gone so far away So tell me now, are you gone for good Baby please don't keep me waiting, come on home to stay. Cause I can't keep on waiting for another day Come on home and hold me for the day Tell me now all the things you wish to say. And how many times must I wish upon a falling star Wonder why you've gone so far away Tell me now are my days wishing just wasting Can't keep waiting for you to hold me another day Baby please understand all these things I say Cause tomorrow I might not be wishing for another day ************************** Heavy crit please. I've made quite a few changes want to know if it helped any. Thanks.

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6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

8 comments

[n/a] Caducus 24-Jul-03/8:58 AM Reply

I'm not sure this has an identity of a poem or a lyric. As a poem its exhausting and as a lyric the singer would need to be rescued by full stops. Its not awful but not good neither just a mass of phrases the amount to little. 5

[5] Shardik › Caducus 20-Aug-03/7:06 PM Reply

You mean cpr and shock padles, right?

[10] Druid_Girl_1984 24-Jul-03/10:10 PM Reply

I guess many have a set mind in what poetry should be eh? lol. I laugh at all the pathetic fools who think poetry should be a certain way. Poetry is a expression of one's heart and soul. Of course that is just my thought. here is a ten QT. = )

[5] Shardik › Druid_Girl_1984 20-Aug-03/7:10 PM Reply

Now we have something in common. Because, when I laugh hard enough to fart and gag? It's usuall upon recollection of your face and your bovine poetical tamponing.

[5] Shardik 20-Aug-03/7:08 PM Reply

If I hadn't already parodized this, I would.

L3 is crapped up.
and l7-the end is
hard to read without sleeping.

[n/a] SupremeDreamer 21-Aug-03/3:49 AM Reply

"And how many times must I wish upon a falling star"

and? wheres the beginning? JOE??? cmon man, just look, read that.. doesnt it make you wonder whether its a
continuation of some earlier stanzas?

the rhyme is forced into a rigid form.. and frankly, the whole damned poem is cliche.. your sentences are undercooked.

forget attempting to fix this thing, because your looking at a complete rewrite.. be brave, move the fuck on, and stop saving whatever the hell your writing saying "its not worthy"

pfff.. dont become a pussy.

[n/a] LuckyJoe › SupremeDreamer 21-Aug-03/8:56 AM Reply

Hehe I'll take a look through some of my new shit and see what I've got. This was a new one... and its not so much a poem... its kinda ment to be a song. And yes its missing a beginning. Its uncooked due to being a song rather than poem. *goes to look at some of his new stuff that he can post on Sunday sometime*

[n/a] SupremeDreamer › LuckyJoe 21-Aug-03/2:57 PM Reply

look, im no musician.. but my english teacher from the first grade could inform you of this fact:

every piece of writing needs a damned beginning/middle/end...

uncooked due to it being a song? luckyjoe, dont blab stupid crap like that.. look under horus8 and check out some of his lyrics, you'll find that they are quite well cooked, and they have a beginning!

Look around for other lyrics, explore this world.. youll find that any lyric worth a fuck isnt going to be without a beginning.. this is basic english class lessons man..