DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Looking down

Member since 2002 · Posted 7 Aug 2003 · Edited 8 Aug 2003 · 11 comments

Invisible panther paws trepidate on taut capillary threads spanning cloisonne tiled chasms that crack, break, heave inviting black cats to fall to suggestion in burning oranges, and join in the ashing of others

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mean 5.25 weighted 5.03 rank 7267 views 266 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

11 comments

[8] http://mulberryfairy 7-Aug-03/7:10 PM Reply

I think the words "indecent" and "proposal" can never again be used next to each other. The rest is good.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › http://mulberryfairy 7-Aug-03/8:05 PM Reply

I cheated with the lunatic fringes too. god I suck at this.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › http://mulberryfairy 7-Aug-03/8:13 PM Reply

better?

[8] http://mulberryfairy › INTRANSIT 8-Aug-03/2:21 PM Reply

Oh yes, much better, but it is much more vague, too, doubt I would've gotten it in its present form. But still very nice.

[n/a] EAger to Offend 7-Aug-03/11:41 PM Reply

Okay, I'm an idiot 'cuz I don't understand this poem in the least and yet I enjoy these images immensely. If it's not too much of a kick in the nuts, could you please give me a clue about those last four lines?

Reserving my vote. I'm glad I didn't read the version with "indecent proposal" in it.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › EAger to Offend 8-Aug-03/6:03 AM Reply

Don't worry about it. Nobody kicks like poetandknowit. The whole thing is about travelling the "straight and narrow" and temptation and failure.

[n/a] EAger to Offend 8-Aug-03/10:06 AM Reply

Alright! Those last three lines are still perfect ,then. Somehow "to suggestion" doesn't quite seem to lead me there, though. I'm convinced that this is where the communication breakdown is.

[n/a] EAger to Offend 8-Aug-03/3:50 PM Reply

Hey, hold on. How can the chasms be tiled? What was it before? Clay-tiled roof or something...I had the picture of decrepit shed roofs before and that really worked for me.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › EAger to Offend 8-Aug-03/4:16 PM Reply

The only thing I changed was (cloisonne). To make the chasm prettier, more attractive to fall into.But still it's lacking alot. Maybe after the weekend I'll tear into it and do a ground-up workover.

[n/a] poetandknowit 8-Aug-03/10:26 PM Reply

Rather vague. And the "that" alone on a line has got to go. I see where you might be going with it, but you might try and clear it up a bit.

[8] capachijim 22-Apr-04/4:37 PM Reply

I don't exactly get the disjunction, maybe it should be a Concrete poem. Otherwise, not bad -8-