poemranker ::on your birthday by peaceseeker

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 60484

on your birthday

by peaceseeker

Member since 2003 · Posted 13 Aug 2003 · 2 comments

my friend, it was my sister's birthday Sunday with our parents, her sick husband, and my precious precious niece. little blonde curls, tiny nymph-like two year-old body, smile from the cosmos. lavender striped bikini top, velcro diaper buttery yellow sheet she wrapped herself up in, like my older sister, Jill, used to do! she stood on her bed, in the sunshine and watched herself in the mirror as she sang Happy Bird-day to her daddy, not his birthday over and over, luxuriating in the sounds she made if I can send you that picture, that joy that refreshing glimpse into her little world then maybe, just maybe, your bird-day will be happy

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mean 5.71 weighted 5.19 rank 4631 views 180 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

2 comments

[7] http://mulberryfairy 13-Aug-03/7:58 PM Reply
Use some word other than "precious" 2x.
I would paranthesize "(not his birthday)".
I hope your friend's bird-day was happy.
[7] abecedarian 13-Aug-03/10:56 PM Reply
Certainly better than blue-mountain, but not quite the chorus to Henry V:

"O, pardon! since a crooked figure may
Attest in little place a million;
And let us, ciphers to this great accompt,
On your imaginary forces work."