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The Better of the Sea

Member since 2002 · Posted 20 Aug 2003 · Edited 24 Aug 2003 · 17 comments

Diesel fumes had weeks ago given way to an imposed and permanent silent drifting whose own mephitic lullabye repels all surprise. I slept bell after bell Rope after rope Fish after fish In my dirty cotton hammock Twelve knots of repair Mark my time away from home My boredom often permits a daydream where those same knots are no longer in my hammock but under the waters surface being dragged in our wake But by St. Osmund's testicles tonight that hammock got the better of the sea - knots undone, it dropped my rusting ass to the deck! And now as I look out over the water I swear I feel a breeze

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17 comments

[9] http://mulberryfairy 20-Aug-03/4:58 PM Reply

I hope the narrator was doing something productive during his/her sailing time. Not just sailing because he/she is rich. What is the metaphor? Failing relationship?

[n/a] abecedarian › http://mulberryfairy 24-Aug-03/9:41 PM Reply

- How the context of situtations affects our perception of them.
(Noxious diesel fumes vs./ being stranded)
(Getting dropped on your ass vs./ being bored)

-How humour often arises under odd circumstances
-And a small preachy bit about how situtations are mostly what we make of them.

[9] ecargo 20-Aug-03/6:00 PM Reply

Well, I don't know why you'd have to be doing something "productive" other than sailing, but that aside:

There's good stuff here to be chiseled out. Too many modifiers. Why a "dull" permanance? How 'bout a "silent sail"? Lose "caring." Kill the ending.

space . . . i believe in . . .
jefry with one f, jef-ry

[n/a] abecedarian › ecargo 24-Aug-03/9:42 PM Reply

Well the ending didn't deserve to die, I just stripped it of its rank and title. Absolutely right about the word choices, though.
My chainsaw was dull, I'll try not to let it happen again.

[8] Shardik 20-Aug-03/7:20 PM Reply

I once sailed to Catalina with my friend, and the boat started leaking and i screamed like a crooked wristed woman and run amuck in a tiff.

[n/a] abecedarian › Shardik 24-Aug-03/9:44 PM Reply

at least you had excitement :)

[9] SupremeDreamer 21-Aug-03/4:21 AM Reply

nice work.. just one thing bugs me:

Whose cradling caring grip

take the word caring and toss it into a trashcan.. its useless filler.. that makes the line weak.. it made my eyes sore..

blessed with nine

[n/a] abecedarian › SupremeDreamer 24-Aug-03/9:27 PM Reply

good call

[8] richa 21-Aug-03/5:22 AM Reply

Good this, nice use of language.
The last line was funny, but 'rusting ass'?
well set up

[n/a] abecedarian › richa 24-Aug-03/9:46 PM Reply

hmm yeah I thought about the rusting ass.
I decided that I like that phrase, but it needed something....
Ah yes! St. Osmund's testicles! That's exactly what it needed!

[9] ecargo › abecedarian 24-Aug-03/10:02 PM Reply

Oh, yes indeed! Nice edit! "Mephitic" is my new favorite word.

[n/a] abecedarian › ecargo 24-Aug-03/10:22 PM Reply

(gratitude)

[9] INTRANSIT 25-Aug-03/5:20 PM Reply

I hate people who write sailing verse better than I. Grrr. I pray... I pray..... something nasty and including a great white whale. I think I've just poxed myself.lol

[n/a] abecedarian › INTRANSIT 26-Aug-03/4:43 PM Reply

heh

[10] eliastemplar 26-Aug-03/9:40 AM Reply

I enjoyed your poem, and it held my interest. Not that I have a short attention span. I havn't owned a T.V. in eight years. With most poems, I read the first few lines and see no reason to finish. I think what they lack is a hook. Not like a hook in a Pop song, but the kind that makes you wonder whats next. I suppose it just boils down to creativity, weather it be what the poem is about or how it's told, there needs to be something unusual. Your poem was beautiful because it took me to a place I have not been. Thanks (10)

[n/a] abecedarian › eliastemplar 26-Aug-03/4:38 PM Reply

Thank you.

[8] <~> 26-Aug-03/6:56 PM Reply

this just keeps getting better. nice job.