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Laundry Day (Free verse) by impert&ent Whatâs the difference between a sheet and a phone call?
They both hang off a line
A means of entangling ourselves
In every desire.
Along the canal
I see you
White semaphores in hand
Telling me something I donât understand
In the language of fishes
Dragonfly wings
Reflections on the water
Bullrushes whispering
Sheets between us
Along the line
Your silhouette
I wrap myself, laughing and spinning.
Up the ladder:
Moosefart's Revenge
Down the ladder:
Erect Tongue of Excite
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.5
Posted: August 25, 2003 4:24 PM PDT; Last modified: August 25, 2003 4:47 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.6723537 Overall Rank: 2039 Comments:
Wishy washy, but fun.
Iâm pegged.
Strung up by my own fabrication. Strung out on a series of puns Theyâll be my undoing and hampering. (How to write a poem: never provide opportunities for puns: they'll be taken up, you'll be washed out.)
nice and crisp.
unconventional way to use analogy in the first line.
Sets a frivolous tone. you repeat sheets in the final verse which is unneeded. The jump to second verse is less than seemless. other than that ace -8-
Change the opener. I think the rest is great.
suggestion for opening revision:
Find the difference between a bedsheet and a phone call. Both hang off a line Both, means for entangling ourselves In every desire.
agreed. questions and poems make sad bedfellows.
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thank you.