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Trapped in a horseshoe

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Sep 2003 · Edited 25 Nov 2007 · 14 comments

She spins and pops your top serves you cold and deflects the bold with a smile. She's friendly on tap, just for a little while. She works without seam; buddy, confidant, quarterback of the linear team. She likes to mix it up and keep things alive,while hiding her stirring deep deep inside. She can send your troubles away, a cure for the blues. Washes them right down your throat, boilermaker smooth. Dignity intact she still gets undressed by her audience under every nighttime sun. Yet she is the captive one.

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4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

14 comments

[8] Joe-joe 29-Sep-03/3:48 PM Reply

Is this about a bar-maid you've encountered while "INTRANSIT"? I like -8-

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Joe-joe 29-Sep-03/3:54 PM Reply

I was gonna describe an imaginary woman using liquors as coloration for what she was wearing, skin tone etc. I was two Zins to the wind and 4 rewrites later....

[7] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? › INTRANSIT 29-Sep-03/3:58 PM Reply

I once had a brief liason with a woman whose nipples were the exact colour of absinthe.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › ?-Dave_Mysterious-? 29-Sep-03/4:03 PM Reply

don't you mean a brief (lesson)? god. I'm AWFUL tonight.

[7] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? › INTRANSIT 6-Oct-03/4:24 PM Reply

You might say that it was a libation liason.

[n/a] <~> 6-Oct-03/7:57 AM Reply

"Friendly on tap
just for a little while."

not sure this works where you have it

also, typo:
She works wothout seam!!

smooth it out, rich. it's got po-10-shall

[8] Don-Quixote 6-Oct-03/3:41 PM Reply

yep, good- but it could use smoothening like ~ said.
heres an eight.

[8] Shuushin 9-May-04/5:25 PM Reply

Greets (been hard to get on-line this weekend)!

This has a jaunty little beat, doesn't it. I'd be inclined to change a couple minor things here and there, but overall it's got a solid feel.

Exlamations points might be overdone, and I'd just make that last line go right after the "she", and lastly the capital "And" is pretty jarring.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Shuushin 9-May-04/5:51 PM Reply

Good calls. all of them. How about Z's suggestion? Maybe a line break there, sans the exclam, of course.

a Bounty of thanks to you.

[9] wilco 10-May-04/12:49 PM Reply

This is a good one, for shizzle.

[8] fevriere 16-Nov-04/9:51 AM Reply

I like the line breaks, they build tension, make the words seem like worth living too.

Just thinking though, is "nighttime sun" just there to rhyme with "captive one"?, because I don't know if it belongs, otherwise.

[10] Skamper 26-Nov-07/6:10 PM Reply

Nicely portrayed - the one-way relationship, never to be relayed any other way.

[9] Christof 27-Nov-07/6:18 AM Reply

No smoothing! I like this with its internal rhymes, the tripping rhythm, the abrupt caesurae. Stops you getting too comfortable, just like the barmaid.

[9] Dovina 27-Nov-07/8:58 PM Reply

Scratch the "and" in Verse 1. I like "quarterback of the linear team." Space after the comma in Verse 3. Last line is provocative.