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A heart without keys (Lyric) by sliver
You are mine, Although you may not know it yet. Today, tomorrow, forever. You don't know how good it'll get. We're going somewhere together To enjoy azure seas. The swell of a small boat. The answer to your dreams. Crystal clear skies Honest open eyes, A heart without keys Fulfillment of your needs.

Up the ladder: If I Had
Down the ladder: paint me a poem (try 2)

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
10  .. 1014
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.. 00
.. 10
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.. 83

Arithmetic Mean: 6.8974357
Weighted score: 6.89735
Overall Rank: 246
Posted: November 9, 2003 10:47 AM PST; Last modified: November 9, 2003 10:47 AM PST
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[8] http://mulberryfairy @ | 9-Nov-03/10:59 AM | Reply
need an apostrophe in "we're" in stanza 2, line 1. I noticed how the first stanza was telling the "you" of the good to come, like the narrator was rescuing the "you", but then in the second stanza, it was apparent that the narrator, too, planned to get something out of the relationship when you wrote "and you there with me" instead of "and me there with you".
The last stanza seems to be about "you" again, because you say "fulfillment of your needs". This confusion added some depth to a title and subject that was dangerously close to the cliche. I wonder if you meant to do it, and if so, if you could make it more pronounced?
[n/a] sliver @ > http://mulberryfairy | 9-Nov-03/11:03 AM | Reply
Any better this way?
[8] http://mulberryfairy @ > sliver | 9-Nov-03/12:35 PM | Reply
Less cliche, yes, and more consistent, but I kind of liked the mystery of the inconsistency between verses.
[n/a] richa @ | 9-Nov-03/1:14 PM | Reply
Last line sounds a bit porn filmish.
[n/a] ==Doylum @ > richa | 16-Dec-03/6:21 AM | Reply
What are you on about? Porn filmish?
"Oh yes oh yes give it to me. Fulfill my needs"?
Or did you mean Porn-Flemish. As in a niche market fulfilling your needs
[0] horus8 @ | 10-Nov-03/2:13 AM | Reply
I've read color printed hand folded scientology brochures with more promise.
[10] cuddlytiger17 @ | 12-May-04/6:38 PM | Reply
I love your poetry so much. I'm a romantic and so much of your work just makes me feel all warm and mushy inside lol. This poem blends together so smoothly and creates this wonderful sensation of complete bliss. I love it!
[9] killingjuliet @ | 30-May-04/11:31 PM | Reply
simple and sweet
[10] donmiguel1960 @ | 22-Jun-04/7:13 AM | Reply
an open heart, so few
[10] deleted user @ | 13-Oct-05/5:29 PM | Reply
Here ya go sliver...Another 10
[7] Jill Stockinger @ | 2-Jan-21/6:51 PM | Reply
I really liked the last 2 lines, like how it goes Against the common cliche of "key to my heart"
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