poemranker ::I could rule myself by fevriere

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Free verse № 93539

I could rule myself

by fevriere

Member since 2004 · Posted 6 Mar 2004 · Edited 6 Mar 2004 · 9 comments

See the crown slipping over one eye. This is an opera-star in full flow. This is an ouverture. My lungs swell with a lipstick-coloured fruit, my song ripens. My cry is rose. My land floods with rich words, bingeing poetry. My touch is toxic and abundant, my clutch wide. My sweep generous. My hips whitely overflow from the straight band of my jeans. Watch winter feed a metamorphosing maggot. (However, this is not an epitaph. Life is incredibly short and inflexible. But December doesn't close).

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mean 6.25 weighted 5.15 rank 5265 views 168 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

9 comments

[9] zodiac 6-Mar-04/10:23 AM Reply
- no comma is needed after "operastar", which I hope you know isn't a word.
- You missed a comma or something after "rose".
- "metamorphosising" should be "metamorphosing".
- "December doesn't close.)" And what the hell does that mean, anyway?
Still it's nice to find one here I like.
[n/a] fevriere › zodiac 6-Mar-04/10:35 AM Reply
Stop giving me 10s for imperfect poems! I'd prefer your honest 9 for after modifications.
-operastar just became a word. So ner.
-why can't those sentences stand alone, grammatically? (This is a genuine question).
-damn, you're right for once
-"December doesn't close" - I am satisfied with this. It is meant to mean "December isn't the end", "December doesn't mean that life is over - winter's not finished, and after winter cometh spring".
[9] zodiac › fevriere 6-Mar-04/11:12 AM Reply
re: 'why can't those sentences stand alone, grammatically' They can, but you had "My cry is a rose my land floods..." If you're going to punctuate, you can't count on a line-end being read as a stop.
[8] horus8 6-Mar-04/11:33 AM Reply
Jumpy, and bop.
[n/a] deleted user 6-Mar-04/12:44 PM Reply
ouverture should be overture - oevreture isn't either, shame.

'my lungs swell with a lipstick coloured fruit' - I do not know of any arctic purple coloured fruits. Also you lungs swell with a fruit???!

'my hips whitely overflow' - your hips overflow in a whitely manner? maybe a comma after whitely.

'metamorphosing maggot' - what does a maggot metamorphose into?

'december doesn't close' how about 'life, short and inflexible/december does not close.'
[n/a] fevriere › deleted user 7-Mar-04/2:59 AM Reply
*grumbles* It was French.. *grumbles*
But I appreciate the "December does not close".
[9] zodiac › fevriere 7-Mar-04/4:10 AM Reply
I'm fine with ouvreture (or whatever.)
[8] Shuushin 7-Mar-04/7:36 AM Reply
very nice: "My touch is toxic and abundant", and I like much of the other descriptions, too.

The lack of enjambment... I don't think it does much for you in this case.

And I agree with half of what Zodiac says, and I'm fine with "ouverture"
[n/a] deleted user 7-Mar-04/10:13 AM Reply
with reference to the ouverture debate, I suggest changing metamorphose to metaphormose which is far more interesting, and a none word to boot!