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Lose That Too ! (Lyric) by recherche Lost the morning sun again
The dew upon the dale ,
Wings of dove and butterflies
Breezes as they wail .
Lost another noon of blue
One more kiss of rain ,
All the flowers bloom today
Nighttime as they wane .
Lost a silent starry moon
Upon a summer's rill ,
And the valley's marigolds
Sweet with daffolds .
Lost another gaze of night
Upon a mountain's view ,
Even if I tasted love â
I'm sure to lose that too !
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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8
Posted: April 26, 2004 3:24 AM PDT; Last modified: April 26, 2004 3:24 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.2145653 Overall Rank: 4398 Comments:
[9]
deleted user @ 68.66.196.168
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26-Apr-04/7:29 AM
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Reply
Sweet and ironic.
is "daffolds" right?
Cadence is consistent, good job with that.
Since everyone is so all about this poem, I've decided to post a list of things in it that just don't make any goddamn sense, in no particular order except that they irk me.
1) The thing with the spaces before the punctuation. 2) Breezes as they wail is stupid and just for the rhyme. What in god's name are wailing breezes doing in a pastoral, um, pasture, anyway? When, in a fit of boredom, I rewrote this poem to be about pants, I changed dale to dell and wail to smell. I liked it much better. 3) 'Nighttime as they wane' - also just for rhyme and meter. 4) 'daffolds' is not a word. 5) Marigolds wouldn't be 'Sweet with daffolds' anyway. 6) 'gaze of night' 7) The last two lines are a semantic train-wreck. Why didn't you just say "I'm sure I'd lose that too !" Oh, wait, because that would only change the triteness and nonsense level of this poem by .0001 percent.
There is a problem with the valley daffodils and marigolds.
It sounds as though you have just strung a few poeticisms together and hoped it makes sense. Have you ever seen marigolds on a valley. Really?
Howdy y'all ... hypatia , thank u kindly for your sweet comments !!!
Shuushin ...whoops , u be correct (its daffodils) sorry! me bad thank u very much ! Zodiac ... thanks for you comments , me likes your direct honesty ... no problem ... (one man's pleasure is another man's poison). In terms of flowers and such , well thats the way my mind invisions a surreal dreams or world .. poetry can be fiction or non- fiction ... its left up to the reader to delve into the mind of poet , writer , a composer of music etc ... and everybody has different tastes ... thats what make the world so beautiful , its complexities ? I would like your insight please ... do you know the crux of the verse and what i'm trying to convey ? AGAIN , am i speaking figuratively or literally in terms of the valley or i know , does it matter ...lol by the way , i could use vale instead of dell or dale , only a matter of semantics ... or course i could use dell and then HELL ! which might be to your liking methinks ... just kidding ! you said the last two lines are a train crash ... again what am i trying to convey or again does it matter ? serious ... thank u kindly for the crit... take care recherche Recha ... not really ... can u explain the verse , what's my inner animus saying if u care or not ... marigolds in a valley ... me seen them , well in my dreams , which in fact are surreal methinks ... am i not a realist when it comes to poetry ... only in the real world ...methinks lol... getting serious thank u so much for stopping by to comment! good or bad crit , I do appreciate it ... take care recherche 137 view(s)
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