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Call of the Marine

Member since 2004 · Posted 1 May 2004 · 8 comments

B efore you leave the L oading dock, getting ready to board the O sprey, gun in hand and paint O n face, the jungle calls, war in a D istant place. A ll your brothers have muscles with a knot, though N ot an arm or a leg, but a brain D efying the truth. You could be slain. G od willing you'll be home in six months. U nder supervision and leadership T rying times will end, but with what? S alvation or sweet victory?

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19 votes so far. Yours would make 20.19 votes so far

8 comments

[8] deleted user 2-May-04/9:11 AM Reply

I like most of this, but think "jungle" could be desert - more current - the Iraq war.
Suggestions only:
muscles with a knot -> muscles with knots
truth. You -> truth - you
The last line irks me because there is no victory in my opinion.

[n/a] ggawrysi › deleted user 2-May-04/11:11 AM Reply

I guess that I left knot in the singular for the internal rhyme, but it could flow better your way; truth be told I was hung up on that line trying to decide which way to leave it. I also like your idea for the truth- you part. However, there is always victory, always a winner and a loser in every situation. Someone has to come out on top, even if it's only by a fraction of a second, a fraction of a percentage point, or one more kill on the field. Oh yeah, and I definitely should have used desert instead of jungle.

[n/a] tadpole › ggawrysi 2-May-04/7:39 PM Reply

You've got to read the book "Flags of Our Fathers" it's written by the son of one of the flag raisers from the battle of Iwo Jima. . .I would bet you'd love it

I like it a lot and I don't like war books

[n/a] ggawrysi › tadpole 3-May-04/1:19 AM Reply

Read Citizen Soldier... I'm having a brain lapse on the author. Great book, even if you don't like the war genre. Stephen Ambrose, that's the author.

[10] Shuushin 2-May-04/7:31 PM Reply

Not loving the brain/slain rhyme.

The acrostic"ness" is extremely smooth however, so ju get a tenspot from me.

[n/a] ggawrysi › Shuushin 3-May-04/1:15 AM Reply

Actually, the rhyme was unintentional; it just kind of happened. I kind of liked it, though I'm not sold... suggestions on a different word for either brain or slain?

[10] Shuushin › ggawrysi 3-May-04/6:23 AM Reply

for the slain line

something like "A guy could get killed out here." - inject a bit of personality

(or even nothing?)

Brain is fine, no?

[8] richa 3-May-04/1:12 PM Reply

Second and third verses are good. The enjambment of the first seems a bit forced.