Shuushin19 Jun 2004

Hey doug, this has a very honest feel to it.

Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.

the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.

And "still" - same thing.

LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.

Suppose you had done instead

Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]

See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?

But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.